it's all about the hamiltons

this one's for hols

so i cried about it today. finally.

I got in a fight with my mom tonight because I don't have a job yet and went upstairs to hide from my problems by packing for another weekend in iowa city. I put on Give Up and started making plans to move in with alisha and realized for the 200th time this month that I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be finishing up cultural orientation in Kijabe and getting ready to head out to learn a new language. I'm supposed to be excited to meet John & Barbara and my teammates from all over the world and sad that Amanda is still in Kansas City waiting to join us. I'm supposed to be in Africa. Right now. I'd rather be anywhere but where I am, and it's just so much worse knowing that I'm supposed to be in Africa. So I cried. It only lasted for about 2 minutes because that's really all the crying I can handle for the next year or so, but it happened and I am willing to admit it. I thought of Holly immediately because one of the first things she said when I told her I wasn't leaving was, "Have you gotten to cry about it yet?" And now I have. A month and a half later.

I mean clearly I'm supposed to be here because if God wanted me in Africa, that's where I'd be. But I can't help but feel that I am completely outside of God's will right now and it hurts so bad. Instead of meeting the people who were to become my new family, I'm fighting with my own. I'm just not used to living in a family, much less one that is either sarcastic and emotionally manipulative or just distant strangers, and now I have to deal with it face to face every day. Which is maybe why I'm still here. I was trying to run from my life more than I was willing to admit before, and now all of the things I have been trying to avoid since I was 18 are flooding back to me. I'm constantly surprised when people don't fulfill me and yet I haven't learned to only rely on Jesus. I suck at this.

Instead of getting back on track and fulfilling the lists of things I made in order to do so, I just hide alone in my room all week and then drive to Iowa City for the weekend where at least things make sense and people know me, because my family clearly does not. Which is my fault of course, but I don't have any more energy for vulnerability right now.

VotD never lets me down:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace i give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

looks like an apple, tastes like a grape

Steph told me about these at work on Saturday and I couldn't wait to try them. Eli, Rachel and I went to Hy-Vee and finally found them by the pineapples. You could smell the (artificial) grape right away, which started to fade immediately after opening the package. The first one was awesome, it totally tasted like a grape. Rachel said it was too sweet, but I liked that it tasted like an actual Concord grape and not just like grape gum or something. They were pretty fun. Too expensive to buy all the time, and the grape flavor definitely wasn't very strong a couple days later, but all in all, definitely worth trying.

legacy

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this, but I decided that I might as well (obviously).

About a week ago Crissa called and totally shocked me with the news that her mom died. I still really can't process that this is true. I haven't even gotten to spend any time with Crissa or find out any details except that her mom had cancer but hadn't told anyone, and died during (or after?) surgery.

This woman has been influential in my life in so many ways. I've known Crissa (and subsequently her parents) since I was about 12 - right about the time I accepted Christ (coincidence?). Crissa and her family's influence in my life has been so dramatic. I've placed this family on a pedestal in my mind and her mom has represented everything a Christian wife and mother should be to me.

The funeral was so emotional. Crissa and her dad spoke beautifully of her and spoke of the legacy that she has left. I've heard talk of this "legacy" concept so much in the past few years. Until now I had decided that I don't require a legacy. It annoyed me when people talked about it. I tend to be bitter towards these buzz words and "legacy" has definitely been one of them. But then at this funeral, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people who have been influenced by this woman, my heart was completely changed. Looking around and realizing that this woman, who has known me for so long and influenced me in such a dramatic way, has touched the lives of hundreds of people I've never laid eyes on. Not because she went through her life in hot persuit of people to influence, but because her life was about outpouring.

As I look back and remember her, I'm realizing that she took every available opportunity to pour into my life. Standing in the kitchen waiting for Crissa to change out of her pajamas so we could go to Wal-Mart (a frequent activity) was to her, an opportunity to speak truth to me. She didn't leave a legacy because it was all about her, the whole legacy thing happened because her life was lived for everyone else.

She was Jesus to me. She smelled like him. She got Jesus all over the place and left puddles of Him when she left the room. I don't know what it's going to be like at Crissa's house now and I still just can't imagine what growing up will be like without her quiet influence. So yeah.

Sometimes you just need the Crows:

This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call
These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat
And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?
I need a phone call Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train baby if I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I guess it's time to put the top down
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
-Raining In Baltimore

holly's stumbling face

this is the only thing that will sustain me until holly comes home

from where you think you will end up

I had a couple things to take care of in Iowa City so I headed down on Friday for the weekend. Rachel and I were going to meet up with Cate and Noel at the Speak Easy (which we predicted would have been awesome because of the amount of large trucks in the parking lot) but instead we headed to The Vine with the Lone Tree crowd. Rachel, Cate and I hung out at Cate's with ice cream and Arrested Development and then Rachel and I stayed up way too late catching up. Slept in on Saturday, grabbed lunch with Rachel's mom and I left for D-port to hang out with Timmy!

Tim doesn't think that he's a real grown up, but according to his fancy new apartment, (complete with kitchen gadgets and an Alcohol Distribution System), real life enginerding job, and snazzy satelite radio system, signs point to ADULT.

I got a very nice tour of the Quad Cities (although Tim needs to work on his tour guide voice) including the following:

we found a peep show!


ok not really but it was some sort of automatic kaleidoscope thing which was amazing


i asked him to take me up to the sky bridge thing


one of the windows was broken


not this one


the lights changed colors, it was awesome


then we walked along the river to the baseball place and scared some birds


the sun was setting and the bridge was pretty


oh yeah and there was a baseball thing

Some B list Cardinals were in town to promote the local minor league team. Some of the fans were pretty awesome and I wished we would have talked to them. There was a raffle but we didn't win anything, and Tim almost locked me out when I went outside to check out the field.

We had dinner at Shenanigans (we forgot to order mozarella sticks) but Tim sallied out and went home to sleep off his headache and I went back to Iowa City. Buckles was absent for the event, so Tim is promising a real party sometime soon. Watch out Quad Cities.

Hung out with Rachel and Eli 2 at Burge (where Eli is an RA) where we also hung out with Kevin Hockett (flashback) and watched Globe Trekker. Stayed up way too late again, which made waking up for church very difficult. Lunch at Tony's, a little downtown time and then more Ice Cream and Arrested Development at Cate's before I headed back to CF.

Now we just need to find 13 more people to skydive with us and we get a discount. Who's in?

JEQ

photo credit: alex thiel

This is what happens when I talk to Alex on the phone all afternoon.

2, 4, 5, 6, 3, 1, 7

I made a fairly strict reading list for 2006, and I'm already straying from it. I decided that it was okay for 2006 not to include re-re-re-reading anything. Which means that Narnia, and Harry Potter are out.

then I started re-organizing my bookshelf (in preparation for the aforementioned reading list to begin) and saw that my narnia books were on the shelf in chronological order, because the last time I read them I decided to try out the chronological reading order.

so then I put them back in order of publication (the correct way to read them) and decided that I might as well just read them again in the right order.

bad news- I'm already straying from the only thing I had going that was even close to a new year's resolution.

good news- I'm not working so it'll only take a couple days, tops.

we really did switch places

whts hr fce: omg your mom commented on my blog
whts hr fce: i got a mom comment
whts hr fce: a Momment

this is what the world looks like when i close my eyes

Hayya la-s-saleah

Today is the first day of Hajj, the pilgrimage to Mecca, one of the five pillars of Islam. Over 2 million people are gathered to perform tasks and various smaller pilgrimages that they believe will get them one step closer to earning heaven. Most people save for years to be able to afford the trip to Mecca. They sleep on the marble floors surrounding the mosques, packing bags of food that they hang from the walls while they are away during the day. The wealthy are packed into the Hilton or Sheraton and get in separate lines according to their gender to fill up on KFC and Baskin Robbins within comfortable walking distance from the Ka'aba (the black thing seen above).

Click the picture for a bigger view. It's kind of incredible to see individuals in such a huge mass of people. As I learn more and more about Islam, I forget too keep learning about Muslims as individuals. It saddened me to realize this as I saw pictures like this one.

Definitely something to be praying about.

We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ.

We write this to make our joy complete.

1 John 1:3-4

taking a break from the Miami Ink marathon

I was so excited for the new episode of Grey's Anatomy until I found out that it was "a recap of the entire series so far" which means I've basically already seen it. I watched anyway because Aaron was asleep when I returned his call. Oh man am I glad I did. Some of the best TV moments since Felicity have come from this show and they included them all - including but not limited to the following scenes:

When Cristina is sick and in the hospital bed and crying. Burke comes in and touches her forehead. Cristina's mom snaps at him and says, "She doesn't want to be touched," so he takes off his coat and crawls in bed with her and lays there while she cries.

McDreamy: "So we're kissing, but we're not dating? Don't get me wrong, I like the kissing, I'm all for the kissing, more kissing I say! Is it gonna happen again? Cuz if it is I need to bring breathmints, *whispering* put a condom in my wallet"

Cristina: You and McDreamy are in a relationship.
Meredith: And you and Burke are in?
Cristina: Switzerland. It's very neutral there and they make very nice watches.

Meredith: "Your choice, it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great, but Derek, I love you. In a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you have the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window sort of way. So pick me. Choose me. Love me."

Alex: Why would you want to do this after what i did to you?
Izzy: Because it's what JESUS WOULD FREAKIN' DO!

I thought it would be more enjoyable watching this show away from the healthcare crowd pointing out the medical errors in the show. I was wrong. Cedar Falls sucks and I miss Holly and Rachel and their freezing apartment.

They didn't show this scene, so I thought I would.

Only 12 more days until End of the Spear! I just made my parents watch Beyond the Gates of Splendor, the documentary version of the story of Jim Elliot, Pete Fleming, Ed McCully, Nate Saint, and Roger Youdarian - the five American missionaries killed in Equador in 1956. I've been a little bit obsessed with this story since reading Elisabeth's Elliot's books a few years ago, and it's only gotten worse with the recent access to the lives of the families because of the websites for the movies. I spent most of today watching behind the scenes stuff and looking at the photo galleries on the End of the Spear website. They even have shirts and hats and stuff you can buy. Crazy. Click the plane, check it out.

the movie poster

who called it...okay it was eli.

i sent the below article to matt with only the words "I told you so" but he apparently wanted to have an actual discussion about it. I decided to share said discussion with the masses.

Nice. What I would enjoy hearing is your analysis of the article, what you see/hear between the lines, and the worldview/tradition you think Tara Leigh Cobble is approaching the subject from. I would also be interested in your thoughts on music, concerts, emotion, truth, and how they do, should, or shouldn't intertwine with one another. Also, regarding the article as an article in the form of written words, what is your opinion of Tara's ability to tell a well balanced and crafted story. If you would like to receive my analysis of the article, Tara, and the other above mentioned points, let me know,

mm



first of all - i oppose that u2 is the greatest rock band of all time. that statement sets the stage for my general disregard of tara leigh cobble's opinion in this matter.

that said: i think the christian community has put bono on a pedestal that he can't live up to, and shouldn't be expected to. his responsibility to us is as a rockstar, not an evangelist. we shouldn't put so much stock in what he says. he's a pop culture icon, and he has taken a leadership role in publicizing the importance of social justice and political awareness, but he never qualified himself as a religious leader just because he said he identifies himself closely with Christianity. He has taken huge strides in changing the priorities of our generation and I respect him for that, but if we keep playing "follow the leader" with every trendy pop star who may or may not share our religious affiliation, we're going to get ourselves in a lot of trouble. in fact, it's pretty clear that it's too late.

in the relevant podcast devoted to this issue, some people mention that they thought bono said "it's true" instead of "all true." i don't know if that is relevant (ha!) or not but either way, he never called for one world religion, i think he was calling for reconciliation, which is valid. there was another statement that said he said "it's true, all sons of abraham" which is true.

i feel pretty sorry for bono. i think he's gotten himself into a position of power that he can't handle and it's only a matter of time before he crashes and burns. the world is looking at him really closely and he's a human, which means he'll surely disappoint.

tara leigh cobble is a christian folk artist and lives in nashville. so that's the tradition she comes from. her worldview is clearly not all that huge if seeing u2 is her life's pinnacle...in my opinion. also, her writing seems a bit immature. i tend to be more critical of journalism than i need to be, and relevant magazine usually disappoints in that area.

at the risk of this post being ridiculously long, i'll save the rest for the email to matt.

Editors Note: Bono was recently named one of Time magazine's "Persons of the Year" for his humanitarian work and international efforts. This story originally ran as this week's feature in RELEVANT’s 850 Words of RELEVANT eNewsletter. We decided to run it here because of the unprecedented amount of feedback we've received this week. To hear the editorial team's response to the article and feedback, listen to the new podcast on the front page of the website or at iTunes.

I’m pretty sure I won’t get much opposition if I say that U2 is the greatest rock band of all time. When I scored two great seats to one of the shows at Madison Square Garden last month, I thought my life had reached its pinnacle.

It was a euphoric experience. During the first few songs, I stood, along with the rest of the stadium, as we pumped our fists into the air and sang along with every word. The energy in the air was emotionally overwhelming. And if you’ve never been to a U2 show, let me tell you that it was everything you’d ever expect it to be.

But it was also much, much more.

About five songs into their set, Bono stopped the show and strapped on a headband with writing on it. I stared up at the JumboTron to see that the handwritten lettering said: COEXIST.

Coexisting sounds like a great idea. I fully support the peaceful philanthropy that Bono has encouraged, and this seemed like another way that he was trying to spread the message.

Except, it started to feel like more than a political message. The “C” in “coexist” was the Islamic crescent moon, the “X” was the Star of David, and the “T” was the cross of Christ. Bono pointed at the symbols on his headband—first to the cross, then to the star, then to the crescent moon—and he began to repeat:

“Jesus, Jew, Mohammed—all true. Jesus, Jew, Mohammed—all true.”

He repeated the words like a mantra, and some people even began to repeat it with him. I suddenly wanted to crawl out of my skin. Was Bono, my supposed brother in Christ, preaching some kind of universalism? In just a few seconds, I went from agreeing with him about Christ-like “coexistence” to being creeped out by the ungodly, untrue thing he was saying. What’s going on here? What if he believes that all ways are the same, and he just thinks of Christianity as his particular way? Aren’t universalism and true Christianity mutually exclusive?

I’ve heard the urban legends of amazing things Bono has said about his faith, I’ve read the books, and I’ve peered deep into everything he’s said hoping to find something that makes his beliefs clear. For years, I’ve adored him and clung to the notion that he is believer, too. After all, he identifies himself with Christianity, doesn’t he?

When he stated that lie so boldly, it devastated me. It was, without question, the most disturbing experience of my life; I felt like I’d been covered in bile. As I looked around, I saw all the people standing and chanting with him—it was disgusting and beautiful all at once. Unity can be so enticing. It made me think of the one world religion and how that will probably look benign and beautiful from the outside, too. I even started to wonder if universalism just might be poised to be that religion. All these things were running through my head.

After the show, I ran into a friend who had been sitting in the back row of farthest. “What did you think of that headband thing?” I asked. “Well, I couldn’t hear what he was saying because it was bouncing off the wall behind me, and I couldn’t read the headband, because I wasn’t near a JumboTron. But honestly, I felt like I was witnessing an antichrist.” I stood frozen as she spoke. I’d had the same feeling.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that Bono is the Antichrist. Perhaps he’s just guilty of being overzealous about his politics. But I hope that if he is a believer, the Holy Spirit will convict him that equating Christianity with other religions is false prophecy. II Timothy 3 tells us to avoid people who have a form of godliness but deny the true power of God. And I believe that the most deceptive thing of all is to identify yourself with the truth and preach a lie.

For a long time after the show, I couldn’t talk about it. And I still don’t know what to think because I don’t know Bono’s heart. All I know is what he said from that stage and how it shook my footing. God used that to show me something ugly in myself that needed to be fixed. It felt like He was saying, “If you’re looking to Bono, you’re looking to the wrong place.”

The reality is that Bono held too high a place in my heart. And I don’t think I’m alone there. I’ve wrongly held him up as the heroic ideal—the cool representative for Christianity; he may have been my “Christian idol,” but he was my idol nonetheless. And that’s not okay. Yes, it should bother me to think that Bono might not be a believer; but it should not bother me any more than if a random guy on the street does not believe.

I pray for Bono more lately, and I pray for the hearts of the millions of people that he impacts on a daily basis. He is, without question, the most influential person in the world, and he has an unparalleled opportunity to speak the truth to the lost world. This year alone, he was nominated to be the president of the World Bank, and he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. And by the time the Vertigo Tour ends in April, it will have grossed twice as much as any political campaign anywhere, ever. If Bono has a saving faith in the one true God, I can only hope that he would speak the Truth without ambiguity. I pray that the name of Jesus would grace his lips, without being equated with Judaism or Islam or any other religion. And I’m praying that God will help me to put things in the right place in my heart.

the land that i love

he's back! he's back!

mike doughty is back from Eritrea and he's posting pictures like crazy. i've already spent way too much time looking at them and i encourage you to do the same.

click me! click me!

Ecological Footprint

I'm horrified at the results of my Ecological Footprint Quiz. I'm even horrified of the results I got when I retook it with how I lived in Iowa City, and also when I just entered the answers that I wish were true. Horrified.

I just took it based on the information that would be true if I lived in Morocco and it was only 1.2. That was pretty cool. Reason #429 I need to get the heck out of here and get the heck there.

My Global Footprint Results

sorry, i don't know what the deal is with the white borders

you won't get that on fox news

While perusing the Best of Notable Quotables 2005 list from Kithcart's blog, I found this one from CNN founder Ted Turner on the Late Show. It's a good one. Click above for the audio file, or click the picture for the Windows Media Player video.

"Cutting the [worldwide] military budgets back by ten percent and using that money to basically solve the real, the real serious poverty problems in the world would be a much better investment in fighting terrorism than — you don’t stop terrorism with tanks, you stop it with giving people hope so they won’t want to blow themselves up."
— CNN founder Ted Turner on CBS’s Late Show with David Letterman


Also of note:

Rosie O’Donnell: "This President invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN. He is basically a war criminal. Honestly. He should be tried at The Hague. This man lied to the American public about the reasons for invading a nation that had nothing to do with 9/11. And as a Democrat, as a member of this democracy...I feel I have a responsibility to speak out, as does every other person who disagrees with this administration. And it’s scary in a country that you can say something against the President and then worry about your career..."

"Most Republicans who are registered Republicans are decent, honest good people who you have a difference of opinion with. The leadership of the Republican Party are a bunch of sociopathic maniacs who have their lips super-glued to the ass of the conservative right."
— Actor Alec Baldwin during an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher

ted turner and dave

my most recent conversation with tech support

AngieUI: and ps- you're a boy, it's called a journal
wawrzyne: im not emo, its a diary.
AngieUI: you're pretty emo
AngieUI: you wear all that black all the time
wawrzyne: i've branched out recently
wawrzyne: man i wear black tshirts
wawrzyne: not like black sweaters
wawrzyne: or sweater vests
wawrzyne: or whatever the hell they wear
AngieUI: do emos wear sweater vests in your head?
wawrzyne: yes
....

wawrzyne: or should i just make a whole pizza and eat it?
AngieUI: what kind of pizza?
wawrzyne: sausage
wawrzyne: or i have sausage pizza hot pockets
wawrzyne: or bagel pizzas
AngieUI: are you in 8th grade?
wawrzyne: no im in 18th grade actually
AngieUI: then you should be eating like...tapas or something
AngieUI: not just pizza in every imaginable form
wawrzyne: screw tapas
wawrzyne: what is tapas

easy places to get away to

reason #26 that living in cedar falls kinda sucks: the extra 90 minutes it takes to drive to chicagoland.

went to the burbs for new year's. perhaps the only time i've actually had fun on celebrating new year's, which was pretty exciting. here are the major (and not so major) events:

bought bryan's birthday present
picked him up a day early from milwaukee so he could fall asleep in jess's basement with us
alex came with
we all hated eachother's taste in music on my ipod
myspace for eli and bryan
matt got there
slept on a tempur pedic bed
lunch, movie, & shopping for tights with matt and bryan
matt's favorite present from my parents was breath mints
ironed everyone's fancy clothes
lost in the city
dan's party (slens was a no show)
didn't get enough aaron
passed along matt's cold
more laying around
"bryan's eating out of the ass"
apology presents at the pick 'n save
lots of driving through wisconsin in the rain

driving through madison i couldn't think of any good reason why i didn't go to UW instead of UI. my life would have been so different...and probably better. except that i probably wouldn't know most of the people i know now which is always a weird thought to me. who am i missing out on meeting right now by spending all of my time with you people?

ok time to go try out the new toothbrush i got from santa!

eli investigating the burrow's anatomy

this is the only picture of alex where she isn't making gang symbols