legacy

I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to post about this, but I decided that I might as well (obviously).

About a week ago Crissa called and totally shocked me with the news that her mom died. I still really can't process that this is true. I haven't even gotten to spend any time with Crissa or find out any details except that her mom had cancer but hadn't told anyone, and died during (or after?) surgery.

This woman has been influential in my life in so many ways. I've known Crissa (and subsequently her parents) since I was about 12 - right about the time I accepted Christ (coincidence?). Crissa and her family's influence in my life has been so dramatic. I've placed this family on a pedestal in my mind and her mom has represented everything a Christian wife and mother should be to me.

The funeral was so emotional. Crissa and her dad spoke beautifully of her and spoke of the legacy that she has left. I've heard talk of this "legacy" concept so much in the past few years. Until now I had decided that I don't require a legacy. It annoyed me when people talked about it. I tend to be bitter towards these buzz words and "legacy" has definitely been one of them. But then at this funeral, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people who have been influenced by this woman, my heart was completely changed. Looking around and realizing that this woman, who has known me for so long and influenced me in such a dramatic way, has touched the lives of hundreds of people I've never laid eyes on. Not because she went through her life in hot persuit of people to influence, but because her life was about outpouring.

As I look back and remember her, I'm realizing that she took every available opportunity to pour into my life. Standing in the kitchen waiting for Crissa to change out of her pajamas so we could go to Wal-Mart (a frequent activity) was to her, an opportunity to speak truth to me. She didn't leave a legacy because it was all about her, the whole legacy thing happened because her life was lived for everyone else.

She was Jesus to me. She smelled like him. She got Jesus all over the place and left puddles of Him when she left the room. I don't know what it's going to be like at Crissa's house now and I still just can't imagine what growing up will be like without her quiet influence. So yeah.

Sometimes you just need the Crows:

This circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east
Where you should be, no one's around
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call
These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat
And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same
There's things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?
I need a phone call Maybe I should buy a new car
I can always hear a freight train baby if I listen real hard
And I wish it was a small world
Because I'm lonely for the big towns
I'd like to hear a little guitar
I guess it's time to put the top down
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
-Raining In Baltimore