I got in a fight with my mom tonight because I don't have a job yet and went upstairs to hide from my problems by packing for another weekend in iowa city. I put on Give Up and started making plans to move in with alisha and realized for the 200th time this month that I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be finishing up cultural orientation in Kijabe and getting ready to head out to learn a new language. I'm supposed to be excited to meet John & Barbara and my teammates from all over the world and sad that Amanda is still in Kansas City waiting to join us. I'm supposed to be in Africa. Right now. I'd rather be anywhere but where I am, and it's just so much worse knowing that I'm supposed to be in Africa. So I cried. It only lasted for about 2 minutes because that's really all the crying I can handle for the next year or so, but it happened and I am willing to admit it. I thought of Holly immediately because one of the first things she said when I told her I wasn't leaving was, "Have you gotten to cry about it yet?" And now I have. A month and a half later.
I mean clearly I'm supposed to be here because if God wanted me in Africa, that's where I'd be. But I can't help but feel that I am completely outside of God's will right now and it hurts so bad. Instead of meeting the people who were to become my new family, I'm fighting with my own. I'm just not used to living in a family, much less one that is either sarcastic and emotionally manipulative or just distant strangers, and now I have to deal with it face to face every day. Which is maybe why I'm still here. I was trying to run from my life more than I was willing to admit before, and now all of the things I have been trying to avoid since I was 18 are flooding back to me. I'm constantly surprised when people don't fulfill me and yet I haven't learned to only rely on Jesus. I suck at this.
Instead of getting back on track and fulfilling the lists of things I made in order to do so, I just hide alone in my room all week and then drive to Iowa City for the weekend where at least things make sense and people know me, because my family clearly does not. Which is my fault of course, but I don't have any more energy for vulnerability right now.
VotD never lets me down:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace i give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid."
John 14:27
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid."
John 14:27
What about doing some volunteer work while you are at home? OR come to Chicago again? You could volunteer with some kids and play some mean games of Yahtzee! You know I love playing that business with you. And...you are amazing. I am not really a crier either. It takes a lot for me to cry and I get upset with myself when I do cry. But sometimes, crying is good. I feel like you need closure in this Africa deal. If I were there, I would give you a hug. :-)
ReplyDeleteLook ange. I think you should get to Africa by all means possible. Don't worry bout the friends, family, etc. If God wants you in Africa, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO GO! So many of us miss out on that "abundant life" Jesus died to give us. We can totally choose to follow God, or watch Him walk further and further away from us, as He walks towards where He wants us to be. Blessings to u.
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