i found this picture. i like it. 

goodbye mountains 

the boys pretending to be the girls 

if i could find him i'd let him back in

there was this cricket on the wall of the basement so i caught it in a cup and took it outside. when i let him out, the air inside the cup fogged up because it was warm in there. then i realized that i probably just killed the cricket by taking him outside where it's so cold.

i'm sorry little cricket guy.

tides i've tried to swim against

i think i'm becoming afraid of the gray area. which is funny because gray is my favorite color lately. anyway. black or white is easy. gray is where you get hurt, where you can back out, where you get confused and scared. it's so easy to just take what i can get, but then there's no character development, and that's what i'm craving. i'm constantly trying to get to the next season of my character. i don't even care (sometimes) if my surroundings stay the same, but I want to see them differently. Everything is just not quite good enough. A little more than lukewarm. B team. Not C or D...just not quite where I want to be. I still judge my worth based on success and goal accomplishment. I'm still self-reliant even though i know i'm not self-sufficient. i'm so busy looking either at the people around me, placing them above or below me, or ahead, to who i see myself being...where i see myself being...that i can't figure out who i am right now enough to figure out the next step. i know i don't have it all figured out and i can see now that no one does but my "almost there"s aren't the ones i want. i see Christ and sin so easily in others that both things blur when i look inward. so often i'm not motivated by obedience but the image of others' obedience. i'm so spoiled (rotted) by being surrounded by believers that I don't want it anymore. I want to go back to it being just me and God. I know that back is the wrong direction but oh how easy it was. Maybe it's not just all or nothing, but just a matter of everything in it's place. Can I figure out the priorities and people in my life well enough to get the whole spectrum right? when will i get the courage to just give up and let God do it? none of these priorities or people are eternal. few of them have eternal consequences and not many are doing anything to advance the kingdom of God...they're just to advance my own kingdom...my endless and futile search.

on a lighter note this weekend was amazing. mountains were a good idea. so was snow. so was conversation. thanks god.

from here, they can't see me stare

It all comes back to the core issue that we have been put in this world but aren't to be of it, and our generation has yet to figure out how to handle that responsibility. There has to be a way that we can authentically relate to those around and among us and still thrive on fellowship. It's not a matter of sin, or impurity, or weakness that keeps me from jumping into this Christian bubble lifestyle, although I do notice myself holding on to sin and weakness lately, perhaps some fear of commitment...we'll address this later. I've been told that the closer you get to jesus, the more the sin in others bothers you, so again, i'd like to just look at these comfortable cheery "A"-teamers and be okay with it, but it makes me so sad to see the empty gap. I've tried to have the "to-do" list in ministry, I know the spiritual disciplines i'm supposed to adhere to. i want my faith to be real and relevant, i want to live this relevance in my generation and see a movement. this bubble mentality that we all pretend isn't happening is dragging me down big time. I have to say "shit" or smoke a cigarette every once and a while just to keep from being like them...right? I see myself maturing, my priorities are lining up, discipline is happening slowly. as i see myself approaching the maturity and discipline of those i've always envied and looked up to, i just want to run from the bland lifestyle they lead.

the postal service is right, everything looks perfect from far away.

it's boring when you think you've got it all figured out. i refuse to conform to this pattern. i'm not better than anyone, i'm just not. i lead a tiny and mostly insignificant life. all i want is to matter to someone. the only way we can be anything is to be nothing and let christ live through us. this legalism, these programs, projects, and 3x5 cards of scripture we claim to have "in our hearts" are just ways of trying to cover ourselves up. I don't want to cover up, i want to completely reveal my stupidity, worthlessness, and sin, and let people see how it's jesus who changes lives, not ministry. i don't want my sins to be covered, i want them to be taken away. i don't want to put on jesus, i want him to show through me. the only way this relevance is going to happen is if we're okay with being completely transparent, only reflecting christ. the last thing it has anything to do with is me, i just get in the way. i'm so sick of people taking themselves so seriously. like we matter at all. the only way that we can be significant is in how we relate to other people. our worth is only in our impact, that imprint left should be only jesus. i don't want glory. i'm horribly selfish and needy for approval, attention, acceptance, love from humans (not enough from God) but i don't want glory, that's only His.

i have doubt...but at least i also have diggity

So the world is definitely saying "stay." This has become exeedingly annoying. It all started when I had surgery. The comforts of home and American hospitals stirred this little voice that reminded me of the sights (and smells) of the hospitals in Africa. The love and care of my family made me lonely just thinking about life without them so far away. God definitely used this ordeal to make me realize that it's not going to be superfuntime, but I felt really encouraged that even though the world was whispering "stay, stay," in my heart I still felt God saying (just as boldly as before) "go."

Then a dear friend comes to visit and we're having this amazing talk and he mentions his discontent with foreign missions. I'm still not sure what exactly he meant by this, but the mere notion that he might not be completely supportive of my trying to get overseas was so discouraging. I see now that it was easy for me to get over realizing that physical and emotional comfort is something of the world, but to be slapped in the face with the possibility that someone i deeply respect could disagree took a lot more to get past. I'm not saying that I'm content with foreign missions, yet I'm so sure at this point that there is some way that God can use me overseas that I had to put the opinions of people I cherish in the "of the world" pile, and keep on seeking God's will and timing.

Then today. First, I get a promotion at my job. My boss expresses his trust in me, offers me a sweet deal, preferably long term, and I start to get comfortable just thinking about how much I would love to stay here. I call my mom to tell her about it; she asks what my five year plan is, not happy to hear that school is basically out of it, and very not happy about me living in Africa definitely being in it. So yeah, for a long time it seemed like since there were no other options besides missions that it just made sense that God was sending me...other options had yet to be a problem. Go figure. stupid devil trying to throw me off track. rude.

ok bye

somewhere out there

God has given me lots of little signs of comfort this weekend. At first I took these little comforts as weakness or selfishness but I think I’ll just get over myself and take them as blessing.

I just came inside from watching the northern lights, standing in awe staring at the sky on the phone with people who are so precious to me, trying to point each other in the same direction to share this beauty. These people were only a few hundred miles from me on either side but the feeling of sharing the same sky (American Tail reference - nostalgic but not intentional) made me so realize that not only did God make this sky cover us in different states, but it covers us over oceans and continents too. I remember the sky in Africa, how it looked different somehow, but now I am just so thankful that it will always be the same sky that looks down on all of the people I’ll miss so much. Standing dumbfounded watching the sky change slightly over all of us for just a rare moment, when so many years have passed of the sky watching all of us change so much; I needed that little change of perspective. Standing there trying to articulate constellations and directions and aligning with one another broke my heart for so many millions of people who every day align themselves to pray to a God they don’t know. If the body of believers could just for one moment stop going in so many different (often selfish) directions and just position themselves toward Christ – what a sight that would be.

My hands are so cold that the touchpad mouse on my computer won’t work. It’s so worth it.

i voted for kerry

i feel as if i should confess. this feeling is silly. i know 4 people who both voted for kerry and love jesus. their names are kate, alex, jess and tyler. i've gotten over feeling guilty for my vote. I've come to terms with being a democrat but it seems no one else has. everyone around me voted for Bush (because I live in a bubble) and they therefore assume that I did too, I say nothing to correct them. here is why I voted liberally:

lesser of two evils: kerry hadn't earned my trust, he might be a little shady; bush outright broke my trust, this somehow seemed harder to overlook.

war sux: jess says that war kills more people that abortion which may or may not be true, either way killing dads is sad too. bush said even though his inteligence said there were no wmds in iraq but he'd follow his same course of action (even though he said these weapons were his reason for invading iraq) i think he was either lying or not to be trusted with decisons about whether to or not to go to war.

losing friends is no good: as i prepare to be an american citizen overseas, i'd selfishly prefer to protect the name of america on foreign soil as much as possible and in my overseas experience in the past 4 years, no one likes a bully.

the economy blows

healthcare should be free

bush says he's a "man of god"... so does my dad: i don't think he really gets it, i do agree that your faith should influence your political stance, but so much stuff isn't just up to the president that i can't just go with that reason. we have a messed up system and no one has it all figured out.


ps - i love driving under that railroad bridge in ic right when a train goes by above the road, i get scared every time.

it's sunny!

so i was driving home from work this afternoon and it was sunny which was SO exciting and there was this shadow from a cloud that was moving just a little faster than me and i wanted to chase it. i wasn't going all that fast so i sped up to try and catch up to it. just as the car in front of me was under the shadow, the cloud went away.

that happens to me all the time.