tides i've tried to swim against

i think i'm becoming afraid of the gray area. which is funny because gray is my favorite color lately. anyway. black or white is easy. gray is where you get hurt, where you can back out, where you get confused and scared. it's so easy to just take what i can get, but then there's no character development, and that's what i'm craving. i'm constantly trying to get to the next season of my character. i don't even care (sometimes) if my surroundings stay the same, but I want to see them differently. Everything is just not quite good enough. A little more than lukewarm. B team. Not C or D...just not quite where I want to be. I still judge my worth based on success and goal accomplishment. I'm still self-reliant even though i know i'm not self-sufficient. i'm so busy looking either at the people around me, placing them above or below me, or ahead, to who i see myself being...where i see myself being...that i can't figure out who i am right now enough to figure out the next step. i know i don't have it all figured out and i can see now that no one does but my "almost there"s aren't the ones i want. i see Christ and sin so easily in others that both things blur when i look inward. so often i'm not motivated by obedience but the image of others' obedience. i'm so spoiled (rotted) by being surrounded by believers that I don't want it anymore. I want to go back to it being just me and God. I know that back is the wrong direction but oh how easy it was. Maybe it's not just all or nothing, but just a matter of everything in it's place. Can I figure out the priorities and people in my life well enough to get the whole spectrum right? when will i get the courage to just give up and let God do it? none of these priorities or people are eternal. few of them have eternal consequences and not many are doing anything to advance the kingdom of God...they're just to advance my own kingdom...my endless and futile search.

on a lighter note this weekend was amazing. mountains were a good idea. so was snow. so was conversation. thanks god.