It all comes back to the core issue that we have been put in this world but aren't to be of it, and our generation has yet to figure out how to handle that responsibility. There has to be a way that we can authentically relate to those around and among us and still thrive on fellowship. It's not a matter of sin, or impurity, or weakness that keeps me from jumping into this Christian bubble lifestyle, although I do notice myself holding on to sin and weakness lately, perhaps some fear of commitment...we'll address this later. I've been told that the closer you get to jesus, the more the sin in others bothers you, so again, i'd like to just look at these comfortable cheery "A"-teamers and be okay with it, but it makes me so sad to see the empty gap. I've tried to have the "to-do" list in ministry, I know the spiritual disciplines i'm supposed to adhere to. i want my faith to be real and relevant, i want to live this relevance in my generation and see a movement. this bubble mentality that we all pretend isn't happening is dragging me down big time. I have to say "shit" or smoke a cigarette every once and a while just to keep from being like them...right? I see myself maturing, my priorities are lining up, discipline is happening slowly. as i see myself approaching the maturity and discipline of those i've always envied and looked up to, i just want to run from the bland lifestyle they lead.
the postal service is right, everything looks perfect from far away.
it's boring when you think you've got it all figured out. i refuse to conform to this pattern. i'm not better than anyone, i'm just not. i lead a tiny and mostly insignificant life. all i want is to matter to someone. the only way we can be anything is to be nothing and let christ live through us. this legalism, these programs, projects, and 3x5 cards of scripture we claim to have "in our hearts" are just ways of trying to cover ourselves up. I don't want to cover up, i want to completely reveal my stupidity, worthlessness, and sin, and let people see how it's jesus who changes lives, not ministry. i don't want my sins to be covered, i want them to be taken away. i don't want to put on jesus, i want him to show through me. the only way this relevance is going to happen is if we're okay with being completely transparent, only reflecting christ. the last thing it has anything to do with is me, i just get in the way. i'm so sick of people taking themselves so seriously. like we matter at all. the only way that we can be significant is in how we relate to other people. our worth is only in our impact, that imprint left should be only jesus. i don't want glory. i'm horribly selfish and needy for approval, attention, acceptance, love from humans (not enough from God) but i don't want glory, that's only His.
Yes. And AMEN, and all that.
13 years ago
Ang, good blog. I just wanted to say one thing, you mentioned that the closer we get to Jesus the more other people's sin bothers us. I would say that while this is in some way true, the opposite is much more true. In my exerience when I'm closest to Jesus, I see MY OWN sin more clearly, and I look at it honestly before God and come to a place of realizing my insignificance and my need for Him, which, I think is just what you're talking about feeling here. And one more thing, you have always been unique, the gifts and intellect and interests along with a desire for real faith that God has woven into who you are have been evident for as long as I've known you. You will bring those gifts to whatever body you are a part of, and after knowing you for years, I can say that I'm glad you're wrestling through these issues, but know that you don't have to swear or smoke or anything else to communiate real faith and challenge the mold. You do that already because of who God has made you to be. Keep being a transparent and active part of your community of believers, and as your gifts transform the community, let their gifts change you. Love you.
ReplyDeletePS- We all know you just wanted an excuse to drop the S-bomb on your blog!! (j/k)