I feel like it’s complete overkill to keep talking about the Vicki situation but it’s been on my mind a lot lately so tough luck. I’m starting to feel like I’m taking advantage. I think it’s natural to be really humbled by someone’s generosity, but I’m still a little uncomfortable. Actually maybe it’s that I’m starting to feel comfortable. This lady is just letting me be in her family. I live at her house and she keeps feeding me her food and it’s just crazy. Little things like helping her in the garden and doing the dishes just don’t make up for the fact that in lots of little ways I have taken over her house. I’m terrified that Jessica (her daughter) will see that I’ve overhauled her childhood room. Who do I think I am? Vicki now refers to me as one of “her girls” and we have a really great relationship but I’m still just uneasy sometimes. She was talking about how she’s always just felt a connection with me, and how hard it’s going to be when I’m gone. I think it’s just me (obviously) because I still just see myself as a nuisance. I see it as a really big favor but I don’t think that’s how she sees it at all. It’s just incredible that someone can just let another person in like that. I think maybe I still just see her as my boss whom I happen to run into on Sunday nights when Desperate Housewives is on and in the kitchen when I’m leaving in the morning.

I was thinking today about relationships and age differences. I think my theory is holding up. I think that when there’s a significant age difference, the older person is just automatically invested more in the relationship. I don’t know why (this isn’t a complete theory) but something about age or life experience or whatever just slightly skews what the relationship really is. I see it with Vicki. I always knew we got along really well but there’s still the tension of her being older and wiser and in charge of me. So no matter how much we talk and hang out, she’ll always be my boss first. And then there are the kids I babysit. There are a few exceptions (the Frisbie kids for instance) but for the most part I’m the babysitter and they’re just going on with their lives as usual. When I run into them at church or in the mall I expect a huge reaction, but in fact outside of the babysitting situation, I’m really nothing to them. So I think that’s what has happened with Vicki. Not that she’s nothing to me, she’s definitely not. I still haven’t put her outside the work situation so my attitude is just wrong. I still feel incredible guilt when I leave dishes in the sink or clear off space in my room for my printer, even though I know she doesn’t even notice or care. She has in every way welcomed me into her family but I still think I’m “Angie from work” and haven’t noticed that everyone in her life already knows about me because she cares about me and is happy to have me around. Okay I think I’m done obsessing about this for a little while. Mostly because I’ve stayed up way too late watching Felicity and I’m too tired to keep typing.