but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words

So I'm moving away. Temporarily for now but perhaps permanently. This fact has put a lot of things into a whole new perspective. Mostly relationships of course, but also the availability of internet shopping for shoes and outdoor gear.

I'm trying to figure out how to "reconcile" things with my birth father (calling him that is probably a step in the wrong direction). I've tried to figure out whether or not he is capable of any seminence of a relationship, or whether or not it's even worth it. He has no idea that this is even a problem which at least takes some of the pressure off. Vicki (my work mom) reminds me often that I'm not the parent and it's not my job, but it's make it or break it and a ten-minute conversation twice a year just isn't going to cut it.

I'm also trying to figure out my relationship with my brother Steve. I've told myself over and over that I've forgiven him but it just wasn't true. The amount of tears that happened when I talked to Cate about this (the ease at which I talked to Cate about it was one of the only things that gives me security in the longevity of our friendship) made it pretty obvious that I was totally lying to myself. I think I just kept waiting for forgiveness to be a feeling and it never happened. So I'm thinking, okay, Jesus took forgiveness pretty seriously, perhaps it's not as fleeting as emotion...duh. So it's a decision, it's not a feeling. So I did it. I forgave him. For taking money from my bank when I was little, for scaring me from outside my bedroom window after he got kicked out and making us sneak him food, for selling drugs from my grandma's house...to my favorite person in the world...which killed him. Killed them both in a lot of ways. The fact that no tears are happening while I sit in a coffee shop and write this is my proof. (The fact that I'm listening to Jars of Clay songs that usually make me cry while I do this is definite proof.) Not that there needs to be proof.

How sad that my post are never witty or entertaining. Oh well, this blog isn't really for you anyway. I have to go back to putting enormous amounts of music onto my hard drive now. Woo!