seventy four miles per hour

so i was driving into the sunrise this morning. i've always been of the school that sunrises are prettier than sunsets. sunsets sometimes have really good clouds that bounce the color but sunrises sneak up on you and slowly reveal the colors of the world and i like that. it was pretty fun to drive towards it, i felt like i was driving into the sun rather than the sun rising on me. i was convinced that i was just catching up to the part of the world where the sun was; that my movement was somehow significant. like everything, this just reflects my view of the world. i can't just sit back and rejoice in the beauty that is being revealed; taking it all in as the world slowly transforms from a cold mystery, to a sleepy dawn, to a bright and beautiful day. i'm mostly aware that the fulfillment of god's plan for my life won't be complete until heaven, yet i still run towards whatever is next. i've decided to stop this. after turning around and driving away from the sunrise and realizing that these beautiful colors being revealed in my rearview mirror, and eventually all around me, weren't affected by my change in direction, it became obvious that not only was it impossible to run from the sunrise, it was so much more beautiful when i just watched. i'm not going to stop moving forward. i'm not the one doing the work. i just need to stay out of the way, be obedient and watch and rejoice in what god is changing and revealing.

waiting sucks!

i got an email from Warren Day today (i type as the other warren in my life sits on my lap completely blocking my view of the screen...rude) he proposed 2 teams for me to join. i thought i'd share them with you.

August - Unreached African People Group, Sheffield, UK. This team will be focused on the *******, please refrain from using the name of the people group in any literature. The team will be in Sheffield. Costs for housing will be quite high, and we are anticipating higher outgoing costs for this team in order to cover rent costs for the two years. We are looking for eight (8) missionaries for this team - couples or singles, male or female. NPRI's are out. Some specific skills on this team will be helpful. Currently, only one OFA has been signed - Amanda Wyatt of the US. The Australia SU says that there is a good likelihood that a Chinese couple and a Chinese single woman will join this team. Chance of team happening - 98%.

October - Community Centre Team, Indian Ocean. This team will be working in the capital city of Moroni on Grand Comore with a common ministry based on a community centre. Whatever varied life skills or professional skills that would be valued by Comorians would be helpful for team members to have. NPRI's are out. We will be looking for ten (10) team members, couples or single males or single females. Chance of happening: 98%

Okay so neither of these places are what I was really looking for but until further notice (ie- a closed door) I'm going to just assume that for right now this training program thing is the best next step for me. So then between these two teams from the terms of the people i would be among and serving, the people in Sheffield are definitely who I have a heart for. They had to start leaving their nomadic lifestyle because the world is becoming to westernized for them to survive, so they moved right into westernization and don't really know where to turn. But I have fairly severe issues with going to England. It would be so easy to go to England. I'm not okay with going to a comfort zone which would cost a lot more and where there would be bigger chances for me to just, you know, be comfortable. But here are my questions/justifications for this being okay.

Will being somewhere more comfortable more effectively prepare me for a LIFETIME of figuring out how to leave my comfort zone beyond just my location?

Will being placed in a more western and "connected" area make more training resources available for this stage of my life? If this is really only a next step, an in between, is it okay to really want to be able to email my family more often and keep them on the same page because they really don't get it.

Will meeting these people where they are, sharing the fears and experiences of a new culture, open up opportunities to serve them? An "in" if you will?

I'd really like to say "it's just a training program it's okay if it's not where you wanted to go" but that's exactly what I didn't want to happen.

Islam isn't just in Africa, the Muslims have figured out how to effectively reach and influence every society, but as these people come into places more like my own, it makes me want to figure out how to authentically reach them here. But then do I have to raise support and live off God's dollar and go to England when we have that kind of ministry opportunity here every day?

I don't want to raise support to go to England. I want my dot on the map to be somewhere scary. I want to challenge my church to send missionaries to the dark places. I want to send pictures of me being dirty and sweaty and holding naked babies. This is pride. Is that why?

Everyone would be okay with me going to England. I want to stretch my family, myself. I want it to be hard for me to leave. I want to get there and panic because I can't talk to anyone but then learn how to talk to people. I don't want to be able to walk a block to Sainsbury's and buy fancy cereal.

While I do kind of really love getting emails with things I have to bleep out and official-sounding acronyms, all I want right now is answers.
There are 3 2006 teams that are right on the money. Sudan, North Africa, Chad, these are the places I was praying for. What does that mean?! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE! I just want to go. AGH! What do I do?!

help me
help me
help me
help me
i'm freaking out

i want a perfect soul...i want you to notice when i'm not around

i have this splinter. it's in that weird skin between your thumb and forefinger. i remember getting it and knowing that it was too deep to do anything about, but i can't remember the details, namely what this sliver is a piece of. my dad was in charge of getting rid of slivers when i was little...but he scares me more now than he did then, and that's saying something. so i've had it for a while. i could kind of see it below the surface of my skin, but then after a while i just forgot about it. it hurt at first, but then my skin got used to it being in there. it didn't really become a part of me or anything, but my skin grew around it and it got cozy. so now enough layers of skin have fallen off (sick) that it's almost at the surface. it's driving me nuts. when i put on mittens or put on lotion i can feel it. it hurts a lot more to try and get it out than it does to just leave it there, so i do.

it's like that with this whole character development thing. (you knew the metaphor was coming) you don't remember when this attitude got there, well, sometimes you do. i wasn't cynical like this before i started hiding myself from people i thought were cooler than me. i didn't smoke cigarettes until i had to stop smoking pot. so there are definitely points in the timeline that got me to where i am now, but as more and more things are being sloughed off, the closer the junk gets to the surface, getting ready to be removed. but then when i can see it, and it starts bothering me, i'd rather just not deal with it. it hurts way more to do anything about it, admit that it's there, and put up with a band-aid in an akward location, than it does to just go back to pretending it's not there. no one notices the winces when the mitten thread snags it just a little. they'll never even know if i don't bring it up...right? i'm sorry that my immaturity and mistakes have altered the person you know. i don't really remember the past 2 or so years of my life but i'm sure if i asked around i could come up with a pretty hefty list of things to appoligize for. i'd love to place the blame on lots of other things but i'll just appoligize that you had to see that.

sorry

ok that's all

off the market

i thought it was probably time that you all found out.

i have a boyfriend.
i know, shocking.

tonight we spent hours laying on the couch, holding hands, reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas and giggling. emotionally, we might be moving to fast, but i don't care. i'm head over heels.


his name is nicolas


he is 4

i <3 html

"you work that html thang"

-jess 12.13.04

i heart her so much!

JillzTalking: i'm drunk
AngieUI: no way!
JillzTalking: haha
JillzTalking: i know
JillzTalking: i'm actually really godo her though and don' get drunk every weekend
JillzTalking: cuz i hvae to work
AngieUI: good job!
JillzTalking: i shoudl go to bed cuz i have to work in the am
JillzTalking: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
JillzTalking: i jsut ate a cheeseburger and fries though-not good for the curves
AngieUI: you have to work on sunday? that's no fun!
JillzTalking: !!!!!!!!!!!
JillzTalking: yeah my work sucks
JillzTalking: people shop every fucking day and sorry for the f-ing but i had to say it
AngieUI: dude f away, let it out sister
JillzTalking: oh my god
JillzTalking: i'm on the phone with someone drunker than me and he doesn't know who he is talking to
JillzTalking: ahahah
JillzTalking: ok i love you soooooooooooo mcuh
JillzTalking: but i have to go to bed so i can sell SOMETHING tomorrow
JillzTalking: love and miss you tons
JillzTalking: bye
AngieUI: you too!!! bye!
JillzTalking signed off at 2:45:16 AM

have you ever...

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Said 'I love you' and meant it
08. Hugged a tree
09. Bungee jumped
10. Visited Paris
11. Watched a lightning storm at sea
12. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
13. Seen the Northern Lights
14. Gone to a huge sports game
15. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
16. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
17. Touched an iceberg
18. Slept under the stars
19. Changed a baby's diaper
20. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
21. Watched a meteor shower
22. Gotten drunk on champagne
23. Given more than you can afford to charity
24. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
25. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
26. Had a food fight
27. Bet on a winning horse
28. Called in sick when you were not ill
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
32. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
33. Held a lamb
34. Enacted a favorite fantasy
35. Taken a midnight skinny dip
36. Taken an ice cold bath
37. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
38. Seen a total eclipse
39. Ridden a roller coaster
40. Hit a home run
41. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
42. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
43. Adopted an accent for an entire day
44. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
45. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
46. Had two hard drives for your computer
47. Visited all 50 states/every county
48. Loved your job
49. Taken care of someone who was bombed
50. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
51. Had amazing friends
52. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
53. Watched wild whales
54. Stolen a sign
55. Backpacked in Europe
56. Taken a road-trip
57. Gone rock climbing
58. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
59. Midnight walk on the beach
60. Visited Ireland
61. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
62. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
63. Visited Japan
64. Benchpressed your own weight
65. Milked a cow
66. Alphabetized your records
67. Pretended to be a superhero
68. Sung karaoke
69. Lounged around in bed all day
70. Gone scuba diving
71. Kissed in the rain
72. Played in the mud
73. Played in the rain
74. Gone to a drive-in theater
75. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
76. Visited the Great Wall of China
77. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
78. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
79. Started a business
80. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
81. Toured ancient sites
82. Taken a martial arts class
83. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
84. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
85. Gotten married
86. Been in a movie
87. Crashed a party
88. Gone without food for 5 days
89. Made cookies from scratch
90. Won first prize in a costume contest
91. Ridden a gondola in Venice
92. Gotten a tattoo
93. Rafted the Snake River
94. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
95. Got flowers for no reason
97. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
98. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
99. Performed on stage
100. Been to Las Vegas
101. Recorded music
102. Eaten shark
103. Had a one-night stand
104. Gone to Thailand
105. Seen Siouxsie live
106. Bought a house
107. Been in a combat zone
108. Buried one/both of your parents
109. Been on a cruise ship
110. Spoken more than one language fluently
111. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
112. Bounced a check
113. Performed in Rocky Horror
114. Read - and understood - your credit report
115. Raised children
116. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
117. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
118. Created and named your own constellation of stars
119. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
120. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
121. Called or written your Congress person/Member of Parliament
122. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
123. ...more than once?
124. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge/Q E II Bridge
125. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
126. Eaten fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
127. Had plastic surgery
128. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
129. Wrote articles for a large publication
130. Lost over 100 pounds
131. Held someone while they were having a flashback
132. Piloted an airplane
133. Petted a stingray
134. Broken someone's heart
135. Helped an animal give birth
136. Been fired or laid off from a job
137. Won money on a T.V. game show
138. Broken a bone
139. Killed a human being
140. Gone on an African photo safari
141. Ridden a motorcycle
142. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
143. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
144. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
145. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
146. Ridden a horse
147. Had major surgery
148. Had a snake as a pet
149. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
150. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
151. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
152. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
153. Visited all 7 continents
154. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
155. Eaten kangaroo meat
156. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
157. Been a sperm or egg donor
158. Eaten sushi
159. Had your picture in the newspaper
160. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
161. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
162. Gotten someone fired for their actions
163. Gone back to school
164. Parasailed
165. Changed your name
166. Petted a cockroach
167. Eaten fried green tomatoes
168. Read The Iliad
169. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
170. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
171. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
172. Taught yourself an art from scratch
173. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
174. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
175. Skipped all your school reunions
176. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
177. Been elected to public office
178. Written your own computer language
179. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
180. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
181. Built your own PC from parts
182. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
183. Had a booth at a street fair
184: Dyed your hair
185. Been a DJ
186. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
187. Written your own role playing game
188. Been arrested
189. Shot someone
190. Sang a solo in public, while sober
191. Kissed a hummingbird
192. Given birth
193. Eaten some tree-bark
194. Baked your own bread, without a machine
195. Braided the bread
196. Foraged and eaten wild food, and/or used wild herbs as medicine
197. Climbed a waterfall
198. Walked in total darkness
199. Went snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef
200. Been mistaken as someone of the opposite sex, and they never realized it
201. Had a supernatural experience
202. Performed at a poetry reading
203. Written a play (jess put this one in here "just to show off"...seriously)
204. Been strip searched
205. Gotten hate mail from something of yours that had been published
206. Met someone in person who you first knew on-line
207. Cross-dressed on Halloween
208. Told off your boss and quit your job
209. Held a Hummingbird
210. Had a poem published
211. Been in love with more than one person at one time.
212. Listened to criticism with an open mind and let it improve you.
213. Truly fallen into a drooling, jerking, snoring sleep in public
214. Worked for a government agency
215. Been willing to forgive someone who lied to you.
216. Hated your job so much you wanted to drop kick your boss
217. Made up fun stories while traveling
218. Wanted to be a rock star

gum was a good idea

am i right in saying that electronic is the new grunge, in that the "alternative" genre is now often defined by its influence?

seriously...b.r.a.t.

i went to a babysitter for a good 11 years of my life. during this time i became an expert on the ins and outs of tattling. being a little sister every other weekend and holidays, this talent came in handy. there's a subtle but very important difference between telling and tattling. to tattle is to whine and make a big deal out of a small and meaningless offense. this can be used for your advantage, but its bark is much bigger than its bite. the biggest advantage is the panic-stricken reaction when you run for the stairs to tattle and the behavior (usually a stolen seat or pillow) is reversed. then there's telling. telling is completely legitimate. to tell is simply to inform the authority of something so horrible that it simply can't go un-reconciled. you as the informant are of course way too mature to be affected by the incident in question, you just thought it needed to be known. this is how i am with confession lately. i assume that God can't be bothered with the everyday sins of life, really it's only necessary to admit the big stuff....right? just like the babysitter...when we're downstairs by ourselves, she has to assume that 80% of the time we're doing something she wouldn't approve of. so i assume that he's up there, in complete knowledge of the little stuff, but i only need to tell the major sin. even when i do it's with the pride and ignorance i've carried since day care. rarely were there ever offenses that were personal, and definitely not personal to the authority. i still haven't grasped that my sin is offensive to god. he hates it. i don't, i'm over it. i know i do it, i know i'll always do it, it's not my fault it's eve's. how rude. if i were god i'd smack me. maybe that's why he gave me brothers (and jess & alex), to smack me around and keep me in line. except then all i do is want to tattle that i got smacked.

one time i saw a two-headed calf stuffed and in a plexiglass case

so this summer i find this key in the parking lot of a gas station in britt, iowa (few know of the wonders of this magical place). at first i was elated that perhaps i've stumbled upon the key to the city (what good timing! during hobo days!), after recovering from said elation i conclude that it's just someone's lost key. after further investigation i find that the word 'faultless' is written on one side. my first reaction is "right...faultless. like this key can claim no fault....there's fault in everything" and i put the key in my pocket for further ponderance at a later date...of course crushing any hope of the frustrated owner who will in my mind constantly search northwest iowa for his lost key. i really am cynical enough to believe that there's fault in everything. even creation messes itself up every now and then. so i go on believing that i'm right in thinking that the key is just full of itself. but then there's jesus. he had no fault. that's crazy! then there's us; we get to say that we're blameless. jesus was faultless but blameful and made us faultful idiots completely free of blame. that's seriously ridiculous...seriously, we should be ridiculed for this. so this key hangs on my keychain to be a constant ridicule of my sinful nature and clean slate.

just in case you were wondering what that extra key was there for.

preach it sista

"i'm not like less of a person...because i blog."

-jess laug 12/6/04 1:51pm

i <3 j. lau 

all she ever does... 

we are so cute 

who is this man? 

if we call the whole thing off then we must part

so the closer this whole africa thing gets, the further from excited i am about it. it's not even about everyone else saying i should stay. i'm starting to tell myself to stay. it's almost christmas and i've been buying shoes and books. they don't have pink and black chuck taylors on sale in djibouti and definitely not even the hope of the almost ugly pair of borns in my size. i'm sure you can still look for cheap books on amazon.com but the delivery charge would be absurd i'm sure. it's so beyond consumerism. it's even beyond comfort. it really is comfort though. i'm so comfortable right now. frank, louis, ella and i decided that america really isn't all that bad after all. problem being the lots and lots of people who don't know how great jesus is. am i really self-righteous enough to think that i have any right to go tell them. i feel like it's a responsibility. i was thinking today about psalm 68 (first read psalm 67) about how the mountains are jealous that they're not where God dwells. then he decided to dwell in man, i bet those mountains are way jealous of us! how can you look at mountains and creation and rain and stars and then realize that not only are we the beloved of all creation, not only does he see us as so much more beautiful than those things, but then he decides that he wants to dwell in us...and just be okay with that. it makes me so uncomfortable. squirmy even. like when matty gets close and i whine or freak out. he said i should stop doing that, or people won't get close anymore. i just can't help it. there has to be some reaction. i know that whining isn't the right one but at least it's not just complacency. i don't want to just be okay with something so so great. but i'm afraid that since my gut reaction is "go" then maybe that's the wrong thing. my gut reaction is almost always wrong. i'm looking everywhere to find excuses to stay. a brief side hug happened today that almost made me throw in the towel and put in an application at baby gap. bottom line, as of 12:15 am on december 3, the next three years of my life are spoken for. as much as i would h.e.a.r.t. for there to be a boy in the equation, waiting romantically for my return, when we will make babies and disciples of all nations, i'll just add it to the "give up" list and jesus and i will go alone.