if we call the whole thing off then we must part

so the closer this whole africa thing gets, the further from excited i am about it. it's not even about everyone else saying i should stay. i'm starting to tell myself to stay. it's almost christmas and i've been buying shoes and books. they don't have pink and black chuck taylors on sale in djibouti and definitely not even the hope of the almost ugly pair of borns in my size. i'm sure you can still look for cheap books on amazon.com but the delivery charge would be absurd i'm sure. it's so beyond consumerism. it's even beyond comfort. it really is comfort though. i'm so comfortable right now. frank, louis, ella and i decided that america really isn't all that bad after all. problem being the lots and lots of people who don't know how great jesus is. am i really self-righteous enough to think that i have any right to go tell them. i feel like it's a responsibility. i was thinking today about psalm 68 (first read psalm 67) about how the mountains are jealous that they're not where God dwells. then he decided to dwell in man, i bet those mountains are way jealous of us! how can you look at mountains and creation and rain and stars and then realize that not only are we the beloved of all creation, not only does he see us as so much more beautiful than those things, but then he decides that he wants to dwell in us...and just be okay with that. it makes me so uncomfortable. squirmy even. like when matty gets close and i whine or freak out. he said i should stop doing that, or people won't get close anymore. i just can't help it. there has to be some reaction. i know that whining isn't the right one but at least it's not just complacency. i don't want to just be okay with something so so great. but i'm afraid that since my gut reaction is "go" then maybe that's the wrong thing. my gut reaction is almost always wrong. i'm looking everywhere to find excuses to stay. a brief side hug happened today that almost made me throw in the towel and put in an application at baby gap. bottom line, as of 12:15 am on december 3, the next three years of my life are spoken for. as much as i would h.e.a.r.t. for there to be a boy in the equation, waiting romantically for my return, when we will make babies and disciples of all nations, i'll just add it to the "give up" list and jesus and i will go alone.