i want a perfect soul...i want you to notice when i'm not around

i have this splinter. it's in that weird skin between your thumb and forefinger. i remember getting it and knowing that it was too deep to do anything about, but i can't remember the details, namely what this sliver is a piece of. my dad was in charge of getting rid of slivers when i was little...but he scares me more now than he did then, and that's saying something. so i've had it for a while. i could kind of see it below the surface of my skin, but then after a while i just forgot about it. it hurt at first, but then my skin got used to it being in there. it didn't really become a part of me or anything, but my skin grew around it and it got cozy. so now enough layers of skin have fallen off (sick) that it's almost at the surface. it's driving me nuts. when i put on mittens or put on lotion i can feel it. it hurts a lot more to try and get it out than it does to just leave it there, so i do.

it's like that with this whole character development thing. (you knew the metaphor was coming) you don't remember when this attitude got there, well, sometimes you do. i wasn't cynical like this before i started hiding myself from people i thought were cooler than me. i didn't smoke cigarettes until i had to stop smoking pot. so there are definitely points in the timeline that got me to where i am now, but as more and more things are being sloughed off, the closer the junk gets to the surface, getting ready to be removed. but then when i can see it, and it starts bothering me, i'd rather just not deal with it. it hurts way more to do anything about it, admit that it's there, and put up with a band-aid in an akward location, than it does to just go back to pretending it's not there. no one notices the winces when the mitten thread snags it just a little. they'll never even know if i don't bring it up...right? i'm sorry that my immaturity and mistakes have altered the person you know. i don't really remember the past 2 or so years of my life but i'm sure if i asked around i could come up with a pretty hefty list of things to appoligize for. i'd love to place the blame on lots of other things but i'll just appoligize that you had to see that.

sorry

ok that's all