homesick

Sometimes I just want to go home. I just want to be done and go to heaven. I feel selfish (and extremely un-spiritual) for feeling this way. I know that it's mostly the cold and gloomy weather and the fact that life seems to be taking longer but going by more quickly. I know that the chemicals in my brain have a hard time figuring out that I am a person who is blessed and provided for and that I should be happy and joyful and easily entertained. Things just seem hard sometimes and I feel especially like I'm in a place far away from the place I was made for. Nothing in particular. Nothing that can be fixed. Nothing that will go away any time soon.

On an entirely different note (and another reason that I shouldn't be so whiny) - I had a really fun work day today. I've gotten to know some coworkers and working is more fun now because I feel more comfortable and can carry on easy conversations with the people I'm there with. I'm officially a certified Barista as of today, we got out the stuff for the Christmas drinks (red sprinkles! yay!), and I was voted "Partner of the Month" even though I've barely even been there for a month. Oh and I had a fun talk with a customer about music and ran out to my car to get the Decemberists CD for him to listen to. Turns out he was having a one on one with someone ("someone" being the funny guy at Main Event- who walked in during the Decemberists conversation and marched...yes, marched around singing 16 Military Wives) and they sat in the store reading the Bible and praying together (a sweet thing to see at work).

See? I'm blessed. I've also come to an important realization lately that is significant if you know me really well. I have this...we'll call it a quirk...where I need everyone to like me. I really like being the favorite. I don't really like a lot of attention and it's not that I think I'm great, I just want you to like me. I don't know why. It's a weird sinful tendency. Well getting a new job and therefore meeting lots of different people all at the same time has made me realize that sometimes I have to sacrifice being liked by everyone in order to be true to who I am. A couple of challenging situations have come up that have brought to my attention that my difficulty in saying "no" to people has caused me to sacrifice my integrity and my personality. It's nothing huge- just realizing that it's okay to choose which topics of conversation or social outings to be a part of even if it means people think I'm a snob. If you're thinking to yourself, "Shouldn't she have learned this lesson in 6th grade?" the answer is Yes. I would go into more detail if my little brother didn't read this.