see you must understand

so yeah hotel rwanda. of course my reaction is less about the movie (please see it) than it is about the reaction to the movie. we're so ignorant. our hearts are so hard and we get overwhelmed so easily that we just go right back to comfortable before we even notice. i'm not an activist, i don't know the story, i didn't go help tsunami victims, i don't go and love the sudanese refugees who live 5 blocks away. but come on. feel something for more than 20 minutes just once and let it change your life.

we're not all supposed to go do something about it, but i know for sure that we're not all supposed to read time magazine and watch star wars instead. why is prayer an afterthought, why don't i trust that it works? why don't i pray big? i've seen god change lives. i know he listens but i don't even talk. because what if he doesn't? what if nations keep warring and moms keep dying? what would that say about god? oh right, that he's in control not me. that our comfort isn't his primary concern. that he has it all figured out, he had it all figured out a long time ago, like, before time. he made it so that he gets the glory in the end. maybe he's trying to let us become more like him and sometimes part of that is our heart being broken, like his is.

not that it's all about me or anything...

how can you look at who we are and not have self-worth issues?!

thursday i'll leave to go be trained on how to not make excuses. i'm not sure it'll work. i'm so scared that it won't work. or that i'll just realize that this has all been just one big excuse. it's even harder to pray that god would change my heart, my life, my priorities. that instead of planning how to change the world, i'd knock on a door and ask to hear someone's story, just to hear it, not to tell them mine. but i still don't even dare to pray it.

yeah. this post is definitely not about a movie. the movie will help you learn a lot about something that's really easy to push out of your mind because we were 11. their families are still all dead, they're still living away from home, they still know what it sounds like when someone gets beaten to death. we still don't even care enough to hear it from their mouths.