I need you so much closer

it's been a very long time since I've been this frustrated with my life. I'm not bored or confused or even complacent, I just hate it. I just want it to be different. I always say that but this time it's painful. I feel like I'm going to hyper-ventilate every time I see the same faces again, or hear the same sounds - the door slamming shut, the buzz of the door unlocking, the white noise from the tv that never gets turned off. I'm having a long, slow panic attack. I've never had comfort in consistency or commitment. I can't get away from the things I want to leave, and the only things I want are too far away. I'm so close to running away.

I went to Chicago on Tuesday for no good reason except just to be away from the everyday. A few hours in the car alone and a lot of hours with some favorite people was perfect and now it's everything I can do to stay here for more than 2 days in a row. Seeing the boys was a painful thing. The part at the beginning of that talk from Don Miller about having true community and it being painful to be separated from it is really true. There's so much that I don't share with them, but I didn't have to justify my words or thoughts or actions or feelings to them which made me accept them myself. It was one really long good conversation, 24 hours of that thing that happens after like 2 beers where you feel like you just get it, even if you really don't. At one point I was sitting in a crowded gay bar shouting above the trance music at the top of my lungs what I know about how God feels about sex, marriage, love, and why I care, and I was being heard in a way that could only happen in that context. That's what I want. I was screaming love louder than sin, even though my sin was so much louder, and it wasn't my love, and that's the gospel. And now I'm back to sitting silently in the dark every night in fear that we might actually communicate, and closing my door and hiding in my room to get away.

In the midst of all this frustration, I think God keeps giving me glimpses of accomplishment. Nothing significant, just visual pictures of things advancing. Helping out at the Broadway spot, painting my apartment, luke and i standing eye to eye, moving cars at the dealership, etc.

I love how he does that.

i should have bought more sweaters

so i've been watching felicity lately (i'd like to thank blockbuster online for facilitating my guilty pleasures) and i decided that i directly blame this show for my unsuccessful college career. it definitely set up unrealistic expectations for what college life really was. i also blame my so-called life because that show was so much like high school that i had a reason to think it was in any way accurate. i think the connection is in how similar the music is in the two shows. oh and it's definitely emotional fornication, just for the record. oh and i never knew janeane garofalo was sally. and now that i've noticed that the entire show is side-lit, i can't stop thinking about it.

okay a note about this weekend. it was so good to see aaron and dan. there are really only two or three people with whom i can just pick up where we left off and it's amazing. low maintenance friendships are definitely the new pink. there's a level of comfort that can only come from over 10 years of friendship or 5 years + dorm life. so it was good to catch up and talk about jesus and drink too much and update each other on the lives of the people we still keep in touch with. driving with matt wasn't too stressful (i was worried)...in fact i wish we would have talked more. i'm still afraid of his reaction when i get honest. the wedding was beautiful but un-organized and mchenry really won't ever be the same which is sad but good.

i'm thinking it's good that everything is changing right before i leave. it'll be easier to have the bottom fall out of my expectations than to feel really comfortable with how things are then come back to something strange.

also - my brother is as tall as me.

oh and as we're crossing the street, all dressed up in wedding clothes, aaron stops me and gets down on one knee and pretends to propose to me. much laughter ensues and cars start honking and yelling. so then he pretends that i said yes and the cars really go nuts, (but really probably just wanted us to get out of the way) and we walk away holding hands. jess said i should have slapped him and ran away. maybe next time.

woo!

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 82% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 75% Reformed Evangelical 68% Fundamentalist 68% Neo orthodox 61% Charismatic/Pentecostal 61% Classical Liberal 61% Modern Liberal 36% Roman Catholic 25% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

I'm done.

Get me out of here. Why am I here? I never really thought about it before because the only other option was home and that's just not really an option. So what if there were other options? I mean there really aren't so it's not actually a possibility, I'm definitely going to stay in Iowa City, but now I'm thinking about it all the time and it's making me feel discontented and worthless. I'm sitting here at an almost empty coffehouse. It was so easy to find a seat. It's not supposed to be like that. I'm supposed to stand akwardly looking for an open chair while everyone facing south glances up without staring, feeling a bit smug that they already paid their dues and stood waiting.

A guy just came in and sat right by me and he's wearing a shirt that matches my shoes but his shoes are gray and falling apart. The barista just brought him his fancy pink smoothie. I wonder if he would have ordered a girly drink when this place was full of sorority girls whispering giggles while they turned the pages of their communications textbooks.

What's with the holding patterns all the time?

but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words

So I'm moving away. Temporarily for now but perhaps permanently. This fact has put a lot of things into a whole new perspective. Mostly relationships of course, but also the availability of internet shopping for shoes and outdoor gear.

I'm trying to figure out how to "reconcile" things with my birth father (calling him that is probably a step in the wrong direction). I've tried to figure out whether or not he is capable of any seminence of a relationship, or whether or not it's even worth it. He has no idea that this is even a problem which at least takes some of the pressure off. Vicki (my work mom) reminds me often that I'm not the parent and it's not my job, but it's make it or break it and a ten-minute conversation twice a year just isn't going to cut it.

I'm also trying to figure out my relationship with my brother Steve. I've told myself over and over that I've forgiven him but it just wasn't true. The amount of tears that happened when I talked to Cate about this (the ease at which I talked to Cate about it was one of the only things that gives me security in the longevity of our friendship) made it pretty obvious that I was totally lying to myself. I think I just kept waiting for forgiveness to be a feeling and it never happened. So I'm thinking, okay, Jesus took forgiveness pretty seriously, perhaps it's not as fleeting as emotion...duh. So it's a decision, it's not a feeling. So I did it. I forgave him. For taking money from my bank when I was little, for scaring me from outside my bedroom window after he got kicked out and making us sneak him food, for selling drugs from my grandma's house...to my favorite person in the world...which killed him. Killed them both in a lot of ways. The fact that no tears are happening while I sit in a coffee shop and write this is my proof. (The fact that I'm listening to Jars of Clay songs that usually make me cry while I do this is definite proof.) Not that there needs to be proof.

How sad that my post are never witty or entertaining. Oh well, this blog isn't really for you anyway. I have to go back to putting enormous amounts of music onto my hard drive now. Woo!

who is this kid?

What I Remember About the 7th Grade
by Luke Benson

Converse and Vans are running rampant
CSI were the three letters I heard most
Girls passing notes around the classroom
Guys sitting and acting cool

Famous people made a comeback but mostly for the worst
Michael Jackson the prince of pop on trial for child molestation
Britney Spears has a "bun in the oven"
Green Day is a greeting card with a bomb in it, they're nice to see but bad to open

Mrs. Jenson is scary and smells of death
Ms. Myer is awesome and funny
Mrs. Hendrickson is nice and opens your mind
So many teachers some bad but most good

I wresteled for three weeks and broke my wrist
The track team wasn't bad but not the best
And most people were disappointed when the Patriots won, again
Football was short and full of surprises

Megan, Shelby, Lilja, and Ulfers
These were my friends and each unique
Megan and Shelby were stereotyped
And Ulfers and Lilja were stereotypes

I hope not much has changed byu the next time you read this
These days were fun and change isn't always
So when you look back at this old English project
Remember the day that you wrote it


(Mrs. Jenson really is scary and really does smell like death, he's not kidding)

summary sentence

"paradoxically gregarious yet painfully shy; longing for attention and at the same time find it mortifying"

my day to day scene

memo:

I will, until further notice, always be insecure and jealous of people who "have it together."

"Have it together" is defined by a combination of childhood experiences, talents, areas of wisdom, vowel pronunciation, musical preference, spiritual convictions, and hundreds of other factors which I currently, and will continue to, place into a heirarchy of worth which only I can understand or validate.

There is no reason for you to try to understand where you are placed on this heirarchy of better-than-angieness because there are many perspectives to take into account, most of which I've created in my head.

It is also unneccessary and counter-productive for you to try and break down this behavior pattern. When you try to break down my insecurity all you do is break down the foundation of my interaction with people and make me cry. It's just a bad idea.

Don't worry, I'm leaving the country soon so if you'd like to be released from this heirarchy, you'll get your chance soon. Until then, I appoligize.

the people we've met in the last five years

So I'm constantly, and i do mean constantly, seeing people on the street or characters in movies and either noticing or telling myself that they in some way resemble Travis (my dead brother). For a while it was just his name - I could never really tell if I actually liked Travis (the band) or if it was just comfortable to like a band with my brother's name that played sad songs. Next it was people on TV who had his nose or chin or noticably large adam's apple. Then it was personality, which is interesting because I made up the personality traits that reminded me of him. I basically continually manifest what he would be like if he were still alive based on people who kind of look like him but are older than 17, or act in any way like someone I would want for an older brother. At least once a month I have to re-convince myself that B. Luke Pomranky is not my brother, and that even if my brother was alive, he would most likely not be anything like Luke.

So after realizing this strange phenomenon, I realized that there are certain people in my life who's personalities I alter in my mind. I tried to put it into words (ask Jess about the explanation of the Time/Space/Eli Continuum) how this happens but it didn't really work.

It's become a lot more than just forgetting that Jess isn't Mary-Claire or that "the guy with the goatee" is Jonny K and Jon who went to Uganda and Jon Killpack. It has a lot to do with the fact that I've had at least 3 personalities in the past 5 years of my life so I separate how people know me or think of me (see: Pilot episode of My So-Called Life) based on how much they know about me.

More on that later.

i <3 nicholas

"you're a teenager aren't you?"

"nope"

"yeah-huh"

"nu-uh, i'm almost 23"

"oh then you're almost a mom!"

"not yet"

"but pretty soon"

"maybe"

"well at least in a few years...about seven years i think"

"that sounds about right"

this is my dream come true

(alex's is being a siberian tiger)

http://www.cereality.com

and now for something completely different

Without vision the people perish
by Jim Wallis

On Monday, February 7, President Bush released his 2006 budget proposal. As convener of Call to Renewal, Sojourners' partner organization, I issued the following response to the budget.
The biblical prophets frequently spoke to rulers and kings. They spoke to "the nations," and it is the powerful that are most often the target audience; those in charge of things are the ones called to greatest accountability. And the prophets usually spoke for the dispossessed, widows and orphans (read: poor single moms), the hungry, the homeless, the helpless, the least, last, and lost. They spoke to a nation's priorities.

Budgets are moral documents that reflect the values and priorities of a family, church, organization, city, state, or nation. They tell us what is most important and valued to those making the budget. President Bush says that his 2006 budget "is a budget that sets priorities." Examining those priorities - who will benefit and who will suffer in President Bush's budget - is a moral and religious concern. Just as we have "environmental impact studies" for public policies, it is time for a "poverty impact statement," which would ask the fundamental question of how policy proposals affect low-income people. We could start with this budget and do a "values audit" to determine how its values square with those of the American people. I believe this would reveal unacceptable priorities.

The cost of the deficit is increasingly borne by the poor. The budget projects a record $427 billion deficit, and promises to make tax cuts benefiting the wealthiest permanent. Religious communities spoke clearly in the past years about the perils of a domestic policy based primarily on tax cuts for the rich, program cuts for low-income people, and an expectation of faith-based charity. We must speak clearly now about a budget lacking moral vision. A budget that scapegoats the poor and fattens the rich, that asks for sacrifice mostly from those who can least afford it, is a moral outrage.

Low-income people should not be punished for the government decisions that placed us in financial straits. Rather than moving toward a "living family income," the budget stifles opportunities for low-income families, which are vital for national economic security. Our future is in serious jeopardy if one in three proposed program cuts are to education initiatives (after a highly touted "No Child Left Behind" effort), if there will be less flexibility to include working poor families with children on Medicaid, and if reductions in community and rural development, job training, food stamps, and housing are accepted as solutions for reducing the deficit. Cutting pro-work and pro-family supports for the less fortunate jeopardizes the common good. And this while defense spending rises again to $419 billion (not including any additional spending for war in Iraq).

These budget priorities would cause the prophets to rise up in righteous indignation, as should we. Our nation deserves better vision. Morally-inspired voices must provide vision for the people when none comes from its leaders. We must believe that such vision can change the hearts of those needing new grounding and direction.

The Bible talks often of the need to repent - to turn and go in another direction. If we do not now "Write the vision; make it plain upon tablets" (Habakkuk 2:2), others cannot follow. If we do, we act to secure the future of the common good.

say something:

http://http://go.sojo.net/campaign/budget_06/ww373k54q57x55d

see you must understand

so yeah hotel rwanda. of course my reaction is less about the movie (please see it) than it is about the reaction to the movie. we're so ignorant. our hearts are so hard and we get overwhelmed so easily that we just go right back to comfortable before we even notice. i'm not an activist, i don't know the story, i didn't go help tsunami victims, i don't go and love the sudanese refugees who live 5 blocks away. but come on. feel something for more than 20 minutes just once and let it change your life.

we're not all supposed to go do something about it, but i know for sure that we're not all supposed to read time magazine and watch star wars instead. why is prayer an afterthought, why don't i trust that it works? why don't i pray big? i've seen god change lives. i know he listens but i don't even talk. because what if he doesn't? what if nations keep warring and moms keep dying? what would that say about god? oh right, that he's in control not me. that our comfort isn't his primary concern. that he has it all figured out, he had it all figured out a long time ago, like, before time. he made it so that he gets the glory in the end. maybe he's trying to let us become more like him and sometimes part of that is our heart being broken, like his is.

not that it's all about me or anything...

how can you look at who we are and not have self-worth issues?!

thursday i'll leave to go be trained on how to not make excuses. i'm not sure it'll work. i'm so scared that it won't work. or that i'll just realize that this has all been just one big excuse. it's even harder to pray that god would change my heart, my life, my priorities. that instead of planning how to change the world, i'd knock on a door and ask to hear someone's story, just to hear it, not to tell them mine. but i still don't even dare to pray it.

yeah. this post is definitely not about a movie. the movie will help you learn a lot about something that's really easy to push out of your mind because we were 11. their families are still all dead, they're still living away from home, they still know what it sounds like when someone gets beaten to death. we still don't even care enough to hear it from their mouths.

whoa

ok so i just saw hotel rwanda. it's going to take me a couple days to process so this is just a warning. watch out.

go see it right now so you're ready.

did he just call himself the talent?

i don't understand the lack of dancing in the streets...

Happy Groundhog Day!!

amirightoramirightoramiright? right right right

bridging the gap...mmhmm 

way past my bedtime

right now it's at least an hour later than i've been awake in about a month and i should remedy this and go straight to bed, but i'm wide awake. i tried sleeping on the futon with my blue comforter and the fireplace on which almost always works but then i decided to read and now here i am.

there's nothing i would rather be doing than blogging and listening to sorority girl music and reading while i wait for the pages to load.

i <3 john g paton

"Amongst many who sought to deter me, was one dear old Christian gentleman, whose crowning argument always was, 'Cannibals! You will be eaten by Cannibals!' At last I replied, 'Mr. Dickson, you are advanced in years now, and your own prospect is soon to be laid in the grave, there to be eaten by worms; I confess to you, that if I can but live and die serving and honouring the Lord Jesus, it will make no difference to me whether I am eaten by Cannibals or by worms; and in the Great Day my resurrection body will arise as fair as yours in the likeness of our risen Redeemer.'

The old gentleman, raising his hands in a depreciating attitude, left the room exclaiming, 'After that I have nothing more to say!'"

don't even read this

first of all, i had no idea that people felt so strongly about registering email addresses in online contact storage services. whoa guys. whoa.

second of all, just tell me where i'm going. seriously. if i have to pay $600 for you to tell me where i'm going and that i have to raise $60000, do it promptly and also don't make me fill out pages of psychological analysis forms, i have a psychiatrist for that, just ask him.

third of all, new york city = intimidating.

fourth of all, i know...this post sucks.

fifth of all, i am a firm believer that posts only containing song lyrics is kind of a cop-out in this field of emotional expression. therefore i will include them in this random crappy post.


I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

seriously

danny devito

might be the antichrist


or it's soy like i thought before

happy new year