the crowd migrating between shows 

explosions in the sky

just a couple pictures from the trip to Carol Stream to see the fireworks that Jess promised would change my life. They pretty much did. The finale was almost painfully beautiful. My eyes (nor my camera) could handle it. I love fireworks so much.

Other activities: Alex's first stop at Iowa 80 (I don't think she was very impressed), creepy guys car-stalking us between construction zones on 88, a BBQ at Dan's (complete with a visit from a kid I took to a house party when he was 14), swimming and margaritas with Jess's parents, and musical soundtracks on the way home.

Happy Summer.

the fireworks really were amazing 

this is the awesome sequin-clad singer for the awesome band at carol stream's summerfest 

romantic comedies = porn

i don't know how boys get away with having any excuse for messing up romance.

step one: be colin firth

step two: watch all hugh grant movies

commence

movin on up

i have a place to live

4316 Daniel Pl SE

Vicki called about work stuff then up and offered to have me move in. It might be weird living with my boss but she's so great and so is her family. And they have a dog and a garden and only drink organic milk. Oh man I can't wait. Liz and I have always joked about camp Vicki - I get it for half a year. I'm so excited.

I still don't know when I'm moving in but that's ok. Hooray!

Post Secret

I thought this was of interest. Check it out.

190 more days

I just realized that I never posted these pictures. John and Barbara (my team leaders) sent us some pictures of Sheffield a while ago. Here they are.

This is where I'm going to live! 

This might be my street 

It's very Privet Drive, don't you think? 

the view from the top of the hill 

fancy 360 view! 

Since I had so few pictures of my future residence, I decided to Google Sheffield to check it out further. I think I'm really going to fit in, Sheffield has a lot to offer! Here's what I found...

yes, lots of rain, but also, 

pretty ladies, 

bayonet practice, 

Ima & Gordon (they love eachother), 

guys with helmets and body art, 

happy hot dogs, 

ribbon display models, 

hanging effigies, 

water polo teams, 

and friendly cycling enthusiasts! 

it's official!

Sheffield is definitely my kind of place!

this is painfully true

You are a SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Dictator.

You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.

You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.

Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook. You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.

What Are You?

to crissa with <3

In response to Crissa's post about her frustration that Plymouth Rock is just a boulder with "1607" stamped into it (although the later proof clearly shows the year 1620, which is apparently meaningless to Crissa but in reality represents 13 years of undisturbed native american bliss, which we are sure to see coming soon to a theater near you), I thought I would post a list of other rocks that are really not all that rocky.

(ps - that was the run-oningest sententence around!)

Here goes:

The

Schoolhouse

Hard

School of

ok i just found this when i ran out of ideas and googled rock

islands where no islands should go

so i'm at the point again, which seems to be happening ecclesiastically (yep) where everything is make it or break it. i'm totally willing to put effort into anything having to do with getting me away from everything i have. i'm not, however, willing to invest in anything that will keep part of me here. i'm 100% admitting that this is silly and unhealthy. so yeah, situations are changing and i'm so excited for the next step that it's negatively affecting how i view or feel about people and it's just not okay. my current worldview just isn't the same as everyone else's and my reaction is to run away. turns out this is just how i handle that. sucks, huh?

I need you so much closer

it's been a very long time since I've been this frustrated with my life. I'm not bored or confused or even complacent, I just hate it. I just want it to be different. I always say that but this time it's painful. I feel like I'm going to hyper-ventilate every time I see the same faces again, or hear the same sounds - the door slamming shut, the buzz of the door unlocking, the white noise from the tv that never gets turned off. I'm having a long, slow panic attack. I've never had comfort in consistency or commitment. I can't get away from the things I want to leave, and the only things I want are too far away. I'm so close to running away.

I went to Chicago on Tuesday for no good reason except just to be away from the everyday. A few hours in the car alone and a lot of hours with some favorite people was perfect and now it's everything I can do to stay here for more than 2 days in a row. Seeing the boys was a painful thing. The part at the beginning of that talk from Don Miller about having true community and it being painful to be separated from it is really true. There's so much that I don't share with them, but I didn't have to justify my words or thoughts or actions or feelings to them which made me accept them myself. It was one really long good conversation, 24 hours of that thing that happens after like 2 beers where you feel like you just get it, even if you really don't. At one point I was sitting in a crowded gay bar shouting above the trance music at the top of my lungs what I know about how God feels about sex, marriage, love, and why I care, and I was being heard in a way that could only happen in that context. That's what I want. I was screaming love louder than sin, even though my sin was so much louder, and it wasn't my love, and that's the gospel. And now I'm back to sitting silently in the dark every night in fear that we might actually communicate, and closing my door and hiding in my room to get away.

In the midst of all this frustration, I think God keeps giving me glimpses of accomplishment. Nothing significant, just visual pictures of things advancing. Helping out at the Broadway spot, painting my apartment, luke and i standing eye to eye, moving cars at the dealership, etc.

I love how he does that.

i should have bought more sweaters

so i've been watching felicity lately (i'd like to thank blockbuster online for facilitating my guilty pleasures) and i decided that i directly blame this show for my unsuccessful college career. it definitely set up unrealistic expectations for what college life really was. i also blame my so-called life because that show was so much like high school that i had a reason to think it was in any way accurate. i think the connection is in how similar the music is in the two shows. oh and it's definitely emotional fornication, just for the record. oh and i never knew janeane garofalo was sally. and now that i've noticed that the entire show is side-lit, i can't stop thinking about it.

okay a note about this weekend. it was so good to see aaron and dan. there are really only two or three people with whom i can just pick up where we left off and it's amazing. low maintenance friendships are definitely the new pink. there's a level of comfort that can only come from over 10 years of friendship or 5 years + dorm life. so it was good to catch up and talk about jesus and drink too much and update each other on the lives of the people we still keep in touch with. driving with matt wasn't too stressful (i was worried)...in fact i wish we would have talked more. i'm still afraid of his reaction when i get honest. the wedding was beautiful but un-organized and mchenry really won't ever be the same which is sad but good.

i'm thinking it's good that everything is changing right before i leave. it'll be easier to have the bottom fall out of my expectations than to feel really comfortable with how things are then come back to something strange.

also - my brother is as tall as me.

oh and as we're crossing the street, all dressed up in wedding clothes, aaron stops me and gets down on one knee and pretends to propose to me. much laughter ensues and cars start honking and yelling. so then he pretends that i said yes and the cars really go nuts, (but really probably just wanted us to get out of the way) and we walk away holding hands. jess said i should have slapped him and ran away. maybe next time.

woo!

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 82% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 75% Reformed Evangelical 68% Fundamentalist 68% Neo orthodox 61% Charismatic/Pentecostal 61% Classical Liberal 61% Modern Liberal 36% Roman Catholic 25% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

I'm done.

Get me out of here. Why am I here? I never really thought about it before because the only other option was home and that's just not really an option. So what if there were other options? I mean there really aren't so it's not actually a possibility, I'm definitely going to stay in Iowa City, but now I'm thinking about it all the time and it's making me feel discontented and worthless. I'm sitting here at an almost empty coffehouse. It was so easy to find a seat. It's not supposed to be like that. I'm supposed to stand akwardly looking for an open chair while everyone facing south glances up without staring, feeling a bit smug that they already paid their dues and stood waiting.

A guy just came in and sat right by me and he's wearing a shirt that matches my shoes but his shoes are gray and falling apart. The barista just brought him his fancy pink smoothie. I wonder if he would have ordered a girly drink when this place was full of sorority girls whispering giggles while they turned the pages of their communications textbooks.

What's with the holding patterns all the time?

but i fear you aren't listening because there are no words

So I'm moving away. Temporarily for now but perhaps permanently. This fact has put a lot of things into a whole new perspective. Mostly relationships of course, but also the availability of internet shopping for shoes and outdoor gear.

I'm trying to figure out how to "reconcile" things with my birth father (calling him that is probably a step in the wrong direction). I've tried to figure out whether or not he is capable of any seminence of a relationship, or whether or not it's even worth it. He has no idea that this is even a problem which at least takes some of the pressure off. Vicki (my work mom) reminds me often that I'm not the parent and it's not my job, but it's make it or break it and a ten-minute conversation twice a year just isn't going to cut it.

I'm also trying to figure out my relationship with my brother Steve. I've told myself over and over that I've forgiven him but it just wasn't true. The amount of tears that happened when I talked to Cate about this (the ease at which I talked to Cate about it was one of the only things that gives me security in the longevity of our friendship) made it pretty obvious that I was totally lying to myself. I think I just kept waiting for forgiveness to be a feeling and it never happened. So I'm thinking, okay, Jesus took forgiveness pretty seriously, perhaps it's not as fleeting as emotion...duh. So it's a decision, it's not a feeling. So I did it. I forgave him. For taking money from my bank when I was little, for scaring me from outside my bedroom window after he got kicked out and making us sneak him food, for selling drugs from my grandma's house...to my favorite person in the world...which killed him. Killed them both in a lot of ways. The fact that no tears are happening while I sit in a coffee shop and write this is my proof. (The fact that I'm listening to Jars of Clay songs that usually make me cry while I do this is definite proof.) Not that there needs to be proof.

How sad that my post are never witty or entertaining. Oh well, this blog isn't really for you anyway. I have to go back to putting enormous amounts of music onto my hard drive now. Woo!

who is this kid?

What I Remember About the 7th Grade
by Luke Benson

Converse and Vans are running rampant
CSI were the three letters I heard most
Girls passing notes around the classroom
Guys sitting and acting cool

Famous people made a comeback but mostly for the worst
Michael Jackson the prince of pop on trial for child molestation
Britney Spears has a "bun in the oven"
Green Day is a greeting card with a bomb in it, they're nice to see but bad to open

Mrs. Jenson is scary and smells of death
Ms. Myer is awesome and funny
Mrs. Hendrickson is nice and opens your mind
So many teachers some bad but most good

I wresteled for three weeks and broke my wrist
The track team wasn't bad but not the best
And most people were disappointed when the Patriots won, again
Football was short and full of surprises

Megan, Shelby, Lilja, and Ulfers
These were my friends and each unique
Megan and Shelby were stereotyped
And Ulfers and Lilja were stereotypes

I hope not much has changed byu the next time you read this
These days were fun and change isn't always
So when you look back at this old English project
Remember the day that you wrote it


(Mrs. Jenson really is scary and really does smell like death, he's not kidding)

summary sentence

"paradoxically gregarious yet painfully shy; longing for attention and at the same time find it mortifying"

my day to day scene

memo:

I will, until further notice, always be insecure and jealous of people who "have it together."

"Have it together" is defined by a combination of childhood experiences, talents, areas of wisdom, vowel pronunciation, musical preference, spiritual convictions, and hundreds of other factors which I currently, and will continue to, place into a heirarchy of worth which only I can understand or validate.

There is no reason for you to try to understand where you are placed on this heirarchy of better-than-angieness because there are many perspectives to take into account, most of which I've created in my head.

It is also unneccessary and counter-productive for you to try and break down this behavior pattern. When you try to break down my insecurity all you do is break down the foundation of my interaction with people and make me cry. It's just a bad idea.

Don't worry, I'm leaving the country soon so if you'd like to be released from this heirarchy, you'll get your chance soon. Until then, I appoligize.

the people we've met in the last five years

So I'm constantly, and i do mean constantly, seeing people on the street or characters in movies and either noticing or telling myself that they in some way resemble Travis (my dead brother). For a while it was just his name - I could never really tell if I actually liked Travis (the band) or if it was just comfortable to like a band with my brother's name that played sad songs. Next it was people on TV who had his nose or chin or noticably large adam's apple. Then it was personality, which is interesting because I made up the personality traits that reminded me of him. I basically continually manifest what he would be like if he were still alive based on people who kind of look like him but are older than 17, or act in any way like someone I would want for an older brother. At least once a month I have to re-convince myself that B. Luke Pomranky is not my brother, and that even if my brother was alive, he would most likely not be anything like Luke.

So after realizing this strange phenomenon, I realized that there are certain people in my life who's personalities I alter in my mind. I tried to put it into words (ask Jess about the explanation of the Time/Space/Eli Continuum) how this happens but it didn't really work.

It's become a lot more than just forgetting that Jess isn't Mary-Claire or that "the guy with the goatee" is Jonny K and Jon who went to Uganda and Jon Killpack. It has a lot to do with the fact that I've had at least 3 personalities in the past 5 years of my life so I separate how people know me or think of me (see: Pilot episode of My So-Called Life) based on how much they know about me.

More on that later.

i <3 nicholas

"you're a teenager aren't you?"

"nope"

"yeah-huh"

"nu-uh, i'm almost 23"

"oh then you're almost a mom!"

"not yet"

"but pretty soon"

"maybe"

"well at least in a few years...about seven years i think"

"that sounds about right"

this is my dream come true

(alex's is being a siberian tiger)

http://www.cereality.com

and now for something completely different

Without vision the people perish
by Jim Wallis

On Monday, February 7, President Bush released his 2006 budget proposal. As convener of Call to Renewal, Sojourners' partner organization, I issued the following response to the budget.
The biblical prophets frequently spoke to rulers and kings. They spoke to "the nations," and it is the powerful that are most often the target audience; those in charge of things are the ones called to greatest accountability. And the prophets usually spoke for the dispossessed, widows and orphans (read: poor single moms), the hungry, the homeless, the helpless, the least, last, and lost. They spoke to a nation's priorities.

Budgets are moral documents that reflect the values and priorities of a family, church, organization, city, state, or nation. They tell us what is most important and valued to those making the budget. President Bush says that his 2006 budget "is a budget that sets priorities." Examining those priorities - who will benefit and who will suffer in President Bush's budget - is a moral and religious concern. Just as we have "environmental impact studies" for public policies, it is time for a "poverty impact statement," which would ask the fundamental question of how policy proposals affect low-income people. We could start with this budget and do a "values audit" to determine how its values square with those of the American people. I believe this would reveal unacceptable priorities.

The cost of the deficit is increasingly borne by the poor. The budget projects a record $427 billion deficit, and promises to make tax cuts benefiting the wealthiest permanent. Religious communities spoke clearly in the past years about the perils of a domestic policy based primarily on tax cuts for the rich, program cuts for low-income people, and an expectation of faith-based charity. We must speak clearly now about a budget lacking moral vision. A budget that scapegoats the poor and fattens the rich, that asks for sacrifice mostly from those who can least afford it, is a moral outrage.

Low-income people should not be punished for the government decisions that placed us in financial straits. Rather than moving toward a "living family income," the budget stifles opportunities for low-income families, which are vital for national economic security. Our future is in serious jeopardy if one in three proposed program cuts are to education initiatives (after a highly touted "No Child Left Behind" effort), if there will be less flexibility to include working poor families with children on Medicaid, and if reductions in community and rural development, job training, food stamps, and housing are accepted as solutions for reducing the deficit. Cutting pro-work and pro-family supports for the less fortunate jeopardizes the common good. And this while defense spending rises again to $419 billion (not including any additional spending for war in Iraq).

These budget priorities would cause the prophets to rise up in righteous indignation, as should we. Our nation deserves better vision. Morally-inspired voices must provide vision for the people when none comes from its leaders. We must believe that such vision can change the hearts of those needing new grounding and direction.

The Bible talks often of the need to repent - to turn and go in another direction. If we do not now "Write the vision; make it plain upon tablets" (Habakkuk 2:2), others cannot follow. If we do, we act to secure the future of the common good.

say something:

http://http://go.sojo.net/campaign/budget_06/ww373k54q57x55d

see you must understand

so yeah hotel rwanda. of course my reaction is less about the movie (please see it) than it is about the reaction to the movie. we're so ignorant. our hearts are so hard and we get overwhelmed so easily that we just go right back to comfortable before we even notice. i'm not an activist, i don't know the story, i didn't go help tsunami victims, i don't go and love the sudanese refugees who live 5 blocks away. but come on. feel something for more than 20 minutes just once and let it change your life.

we're not all supposed to go do something about it, but i know for sure that we're not all supposed to read time magazine and watch star wars instead. why is prayer an afterthought, why don't i trust that it works? why don't i pray big? i've seen god change lives. i know he listens but i don't even talk. because what if he doesn't? what if nations keep warring and moms keep dying? what would that say about god? oh right, that he's in control not me. that our comfort isn't his primary concern. that he has it all figured out, he had it all figured out a long time ago, like, before time. he made it so that he gets the glory in the end. maybe he's trying to let us become more like him and sometimes part of that is our heart being broken, like his is.

not that it's all about me or anything...

how can you look at who we are and not have self-worth issues?!

thursday i'll leave to go be trained on how to not make excuses. i'm not sure it'll work. i'm so scared that it won't work. or that i'll just realize that this has all been just one big excuse. it's even harder to pray that god would change my heart, my life, my priorities. that instead of planning how to change the world, i'd knock on a door and ask to hear someone's story, just to hear it, not to tell them mine. but i still don't even dare to pray it.

yeah. this post is definitely not about a movie. the movie will help you learn a lot about something that's really easy to push out of your mind because we were 11. their families are still all dead, they're still living away from home, they still know what it sounds like when someone gets beaten to death. we still don't even care enough to hear it from their mouths.

whoa

ok so i just saw hotel rwanda. it's going to take me a couple days to process so this is just a warning. watch out.

go see it right now so you're ready.

did he just call himself the talent?

i don't understand the lack of dancing in the streets...

Happy Groundhog Day!!

amirightoramirightoramiright? right right right

bridging the gap...mmhmm 

way past my bedtime

right now it's at least an hour later than i've been awake in about a month and i should remedy this and go straight to bed, but i'm wide awake. i tried sleeping on the futon with my blue comforter and the fireplace on which almost always works but then i decided to read and now here i am.

there's nothing i would rather be doing than blogging and listening to sorority girl music and reading while i wait for the pages to load.

i <3 john g paton

"Amongst many who sought to deter me, was one dear old Christian gentleman, whose crowning argument always was, 'Cannibals! You will be eaten by Cannibals!' At last I replied, 'Mr. Dickson, you are advanced in years now, and your own prospect is soon to be laid in the grave, there to be eaten by worms; I confess to you, that if I can but live and die serving and honouring the Lord Jesus, it will make no difference to me whether I am eaten by Cannibals or by worms; and in the Great Day my resurrection body will arise as fair as yours in the likeness of our risen Redeemer.'

The old gentleman, raising his hands in a depreciating attitude, left the room exclaiming, 'After that I have nothing more to say!'"

don't even read this

first of all, i had no idea that people felt so strongly about registering email addresses in online contact storage services. whoa guys. whoa.

second of all, just tell me where i'm going. seriously. if i have to pay $600 for you to tell me where i'm going and that i have to raise $60000, do it promptly and also don't make me fill out pages of psychological analysis forms, i have a psychiatrist for that, just ask him.

third of all, new york city = intimidating.

fourth of all, i know...this post sucks.

fifth of all, i am a firm believer that posts only containing song lyrics is kind of a cop-out in this field of emotional expression. therefore i will include them in this random crappy post.


I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

seriously

danny devito

might be the antichrist


or it's soy like i thought before

happy new year 

seventy four miles per hour

so i was driving into the sunrise this morning. i've always been of the school that sunrises are prettier than sunsets. sunsets sometimes have really good clouds that bounce the color but sunrises sneak up on you and slowly reveal the colors of the world and i like that. it was pretty fun to drive towards it, i felt like i was driving into the sun rather than the sun rising on me. i was convinced that i was just catching up to the part of the world where the sun was; that my movement was somehow significant. like everything, this just reflects my view of the world. i can't just sit back and rejoice in the beauty that is being revealed; taking it all in as the world slowly transforms from a cold mystery, to a sleepy dawn, to a bright and beautiful day. i'm mostly aware that the fulfillment of god's plan for my life won't be complete until heaven, yet i still run towards whatever is next. i've decided to stop this. after turning around and driving away from the sunrise and realizing that these beautiful colors being revealed in my rearview mirror, and eventually all around me, weren't affected by my change in direction, it became obvious that not only was it impossible to run from the sunrise, it was so much more beautiful when i just watched. i'm not going to stop moving forward. i'm not the one doing the work. i just need to stay out of the way, be obedient and watch and rejoice in what god is changing and revealing.

waiting sucks!

i got an email from Warren Day today (i type as the other warren in my life sits on my lap completely blocking my view of the screen...rude) he proposed 2 teams for me to join. i thought i'd share them with you.

August - Unreached African People Group, Sheffield, UK. This team will be focused on the *******, please refrain from using the name of the people group in any literature. The team will be in Sheffield. Costs for housing will be quite high, and we are anticipating higher outgoing costs for this team in order to cover rent costs for the two years. We are looking for eight (8) missionaries for this team - couples or singles, male or female. NPRI's are out. Some specific skills on this team will be helpful. Currently, only one OFA has been signed - Amanda Wyatt of the US. The Australia SU says that there is a good likelihood that a Chinese couple and a Chinese single woman will join this team. Chance of team happening - 98%.

October - Community Centre Team, Indian Ocean. This team will be working in the capital city of Moroni on Grand Comore with a common ministry based on a community centre. Whatever varied life skills or professional skills that would be valued by Comorians would be helpful for team members to have. NPRI's are out. We will be looking for ten (10) team members, couples or single males or single females. Chance of happening: 98%

Okay so neither of these places are what I was really looking for but until further notice (ie- a closed door) I'm going to just assume that for right now this training program thing is the best next step for me. So then between these two teams from the terms of the people i would be among and serving, the people in Sheffield are definitely who I have a heart for. They had to start leaving their nomadic lifestyle because the world is becoming to westernized for them to survive, so they moved right into westernization and don't really know where to turn. But I have fairly severe issues with going to England. It would be so easy to go to England. I'm not okay with going to a comfort zone which would cost a lot more and where there would be bigger chances for me to just, you know, be comfortable. But here are my questions/justifications for this being okay.

Will being somewhere more comfortable more effectively prepare me for a LIFETIME of figuring out how to leave my comfort zone beyond just my location?

Will being placed in a more western and "connected" area make more training resources available for this stage of my life? If this is really only a next step, an in between, is it okay to really want to be able to email my family more often and keep them on the same page because they really don't get it.

Will meeting these people where they are, sharing the fears and experiences of a new culture, open up opportunities to serve them? An "in" if you will?

I'd really like to say "it's just a training program it's okay if it's not where you wanted to go" but that's exactly what I didn't want to happen.

Islam isn't just in Africa, the Muslims have figured out how to effectively reach and influence every society, but as these people come into places more like my own, it makes me want to figure out how to authentically reach them here. But then do I have to raise support and live off God's dollar and go to England when we have that kind of ministry opportunity here every day?

I don't want to raise support to go to England. I want my dot on the map to be somewhere scary. I want to challenge my church to send missionaries to the dark places. I want to send pictures of me being dirty and sweaty and holding naked babies. This is pride. Is that why?

Everyone would be okay with me going to England. I want to stretch my family, myself. I want it to be hard for me to leave. I want to get there and panic because I can't talk to anyone but then learn how to talk to people. I don't want to be able to walk a block to Sainsbury's and buy fancy cereal.

While I do kind of really love getting emails with things I have to bleep out and official-sounding acronyms, all I want right now is answers.
There are 3 2006 teams that are right on the money. Sudan, North Africa, Chad, these are the places I was praying for. What does that mean?! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE! I just want to go. AGH! What do I do?!

help me
help me
help me
help me
i'm freaking out

i want a perfect soul...i want you to notice when i'm not around

i have this splinter. it's in that weird skin between your thumb and forefinger. i remember getting it and knowing that it was too deep to do anything about, but i can't remember the details, namely what this sliver is a piece of. my dad was in charge of getting rid of slivers when i was little...but he scares me more now than he did then, and that's saying something. so i've had it for a while. i could kind of see it below the surface of my skin, but then after a while i just forgot about it. it hurt at first, but then my skin got used to it being in there. it didn't really become a part of me or anything, but my skin grew around it and it got cozy. so now enough layers of skin have fallen off (sick) that it's almost at the surface. it's driving me nuts. when i put on mittens or put on lotion i can feel it. it hurts a lot more to try and get it out than it does to just leave it there, so i do.

it's like that with this whole character development thing. (you knew the metaphor was coming) you don't remember when this attitude got there, well, sometimes you do. i wasn't cynical like this before i started hiding myself from people i thought were cooler than me. i didn't smoke cigarettes until i had to stop smoking pot. so there are definitely points in the timeline that got me to where i am now, but as more and more things are being sloughed off, the closer the junk gets to the surface, getting ready to be removed. but then when i can see it, and it starts bothering me, i'd rather just not deal with it. it hurts way more to do anything about it, admit that it's there, and put up with a band-aid in an akward location, than it does to just go back to pretending it's not there. no one notices the winces when the mitten thread snags it just a little. they'll never even know if i don't bring it up...right? i'm sorry that my immaturity and mistakes have altered the person you know. i don't really remember the past 2 or so years of my life but i'm sure if i asked around i could come up with a pretty hefty list of things to appoligize for. i'd love to place the blame on lots of other things but i'll just appoligize that you had to see that.

sorry

ok that's all

off the market

i thought it was probably time that you all found out.

i have a boyfriend.
i know, shocking.

tonight we spent hours laying on the couch, holding hands, reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas and giggling. emotionally, we might be moving to fast, but i don't care. i'm head over heels.


his name is nicolas


he is 4

i <3 html

"you work that html thang"

-jess 12.13.04

i heart her so much!

JillzTalking: i'm drunk
AngieUI: no way!
JillzTalking: haha
JillzTalking: i know
JillzTalking: i'm actually really godo her though and don' get drunk every weekend
JillzTalking: cuz i hvae to work
AngieUI: good job!
JillzTalking: i shoudl go to bed cuz i have to work in the am
JillzTalking: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
JillzTalking: i jsut ate a cheeseburger and fries though-not good for the curves
AngieUI: you have to work on sunday? that's no fun!
JillzTalking: !!!!!!!!!!!
JillzTalking: yeah my work sucks
JillzTalking: people shop every fucking day and sorry for the f-ing but i had to say it
AngieUI: dude f away, let it out sister
JillzTalking: oh my god
JillzTalking: i'm on the phone with someone drunker than me and he doesn't know who he is talking to
JillzTalking: ahahah
JillzTalking: ok i love you soooooooooooo mcuh
JillzTalking: but i have to go to bed so i can sell SOMETHING tomorrow
JillzTalking: love and miss you tons
JillzTalking: bye
AngieUI: you too!!! bye!
JillzTalking signed off at 2:45:16 AM

have you ever...

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Said 'I love you' and meant it
08. Hugged a tree
09. Bungee jumped
10. Visited Paris
11. Watched a lightning storm at sea
12. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
13. Seen the Northern Lights
14. Gone to a huge sports game
15. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
16. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
17. Touched an iceberg
18. Slept under the stars
19. Changed a baby's diaper
20. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
21. Watched a meteor shower
22. Gotten drunk on champagne
23. Given more than you can afford to charity
24. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
25. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
26. Had a food fight
27. Bet on a winning horse
28. Called in sick when you were not ill
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
32. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
33. Held a lamb
34. Enacted a favorite fantasy
35. Taken a midnight skinny dip
36. Taken an ice cold bath
37. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
38. Seen a total eclipse
39. Ridden a roller coaster
40. Hit a home run
41. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
42. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
43. Adopted an accent for an entire day
44. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
45. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
46. Had two hard drives for your computer
47. Visited all 50 states/every county
48. Loved your job
49. Taken care of someone who was bombed
50. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
51. Had amazing friends
52. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
53. Watched wild whales
54. Stolen a sign
55. Backpacked in Europe
56. Taken a road-trip
57. Gone rock climbing
58. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
59. Midnight walk on the beach
60. Visited Ireland
61. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
62. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
63. Visited Japan
64. Benchpressed your own weight
65. Milked a cow
66. Alphabetized your records
67. Pretended to be a superhero
68. Sung karaoke
69. Lounged around in bed all day
70. Gone scuba diving
71. Kissed in the rain
72. Played in the mud
73. Played in the rain
74. Gone to a drive-in theater
75. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
76. Visited the Great Wall of China
77. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
78. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
79. Started a business
80. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
81. Toured ancient sites
82. Taken a martial arts class
83. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
84. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
85. Gotten married
86. Been in a movie
87. Crashed a party
88. Gone without food for 5 days
89. Made cookies from scratch
90. Won first prize in a costume contest
91. Ridden a gondola in Venice
92. Gotten a tattoo
93. Rafted the Snake River
94. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
95. Got flowers for no reason
97. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
98. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
99. Performed on stage
100. Been to Las Vegas
101. Recorded music
102. Eaten shark
103. Had a one-night stand
104. Gone to Thailand
105. Seen Siouxsie live
106. Bought a house
107. Been in a combat zone
108. Buried one/both of your parents
109. Been on a cruise ship
110. Spoken more than one language fluently
111. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
112. Bounced a check
113. Performed in Rocky Horror
114. Read - and understood - your credit report
115. Raised children
116. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
117. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
118. Created and named your own constellation of stars
119. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
120. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
121. Called or written your Congress person/Member of Parliament
122. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
123. ...more than once?
124. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge/Q E II Bridge
125. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
126. Eaten fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
127. Had plastic surgery
128. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
129. Wrote articles for a large publication
130. Lost over 100 pounds
131. Held someone while they were having a flashback
132. Piloted an airplane
133. Petted a stingray
134. Broken someone's heart
135. Helped an animal give birth
136. Been fired or laid off from a job
137. Won money on a T.V. game show
138. Broken a bone
139. Killed a human being
140. Gone on an African photo safari
141. Ridden a motorcycle
142. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
143. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
144. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
145. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
146. Ridden a horse
147. Had major surgery
148. Had a snake as a pet
149. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
150. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
151. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
152. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
153. Visited all 7 continents
154. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
155. Eaten kangaroo meat
156. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
157. Been a sperm or egg donor
158. Eaten sushi
159. Had your picture in the newspaper
160. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
161. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
162. Gotten someone fired for their actions
163. Gone back to school
164. Parasailed
165. Changed your name
166. Petted a cockroach
167. Eaten fried green tomatoes
168. Read The Iliad
169. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
170. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
171. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
172. Taught yourself an art from scratch
173. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
174. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
175. Skipped all your school reunions
176. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
177. Been elected to public office
178. Written your own computer language
179. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
180. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
181. Built your own PC from parts
182. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
183. Had a booth at a street fair
184: Dyed your hair
185. Been a DJ
186. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
187. Written your own role playing game
188. Been arrested
189. Shot someone
190. Sang a solo in public, while sober
191. Kissed a hummingbird
192. Given birth
193. Eaten some tree-bark
194. Baked your own bread, without a machine
195. Braided the bread
196. Foraged and eaten wild food, and/or used wild herbs as medicine
197. Climbed a waterfall
198. Walked in total darkness
199. Went snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef
200. Been mistaken as someone of the opposite sex, and they never realized it
201. Had a supernatural experience
202. Performed at a poetry reading
203. Written a play (jess put this one in here "just to show off"...seriously)
204. Been strip searched
205. Gotten hate mail from something of yours that had been published
206. Met someone in person who you first knew on-line
207. Cross-dressed on Halloween
208. Told off your boss and quit your job
209. Held a Hummingbird
210. Had a poem published
211. Been in love with more than one person at one time.
212. Listened to criticism with an open mind and let it improve you.
213. Truly fallen into a drooling, jerking, snoring sleep in public
214. Worked for a government agency
215. Been willing to forgive someone who lied to you.
216. Hated your job so much you wanted to drop kick your boss
217. Made up fun stories while traveling
218. Wanted to be a rock star

gum was a good idea

am i right in saying that electronic is the new grunge, in that the "alternative" genre is now often defined by its influence?

seriously...b.r.a.t.

i went to a babysitter for a good 11 years of my life. during this time i became an expert on the ins and outs of tattling. being a little sister every other weekend and holidays, this talent came in handy. there's a subtle but very important difference between telling and tattling. to tattle is to whine and make a big deal out of a small and meaningless offense. this can be used for your advantage, but its bark is much bigger than its bite. the biggest advantage is the panic-stricken reaction when you run for the stairs to tattle and the behavior (usually a stolen seat or pillow) is reversed. then there's telling. telling is completely legitimate. to tell is simply to inform the authority of something so horrible that it simply can't go un-reconciled. you as the informant are of course way too mature to be affected by the incident in question, you just thought it needed to be known. this is how i am with confession lately. i assume that God can't be bothered with the everyday sins of life, really it's only necessary to admit the big stuff....right? just like the babysitter...when we're downstairs by ourselves, she has to assume that 80% of the time we're doing something she wouldn't approve of. so i assume that he's up there, in complete knowledge of the little stuff, but i only need to tell the major sin. even when i do it's with the pride and ignorance i've carried since day care. rarely were there ever offenses that were personal, and definitely not personal to the authority. i still haven't grasped that my sin is offensive to god. he hates it. i don't, i'm over it. i know i do it, i know i'll always do it, it's not my fault it's eve's. how rude. if i were god i'd smack me. maybe that's why he gave me brothers (and jess & alex), to smack me around and keep me in line. except then all i do is want to tattle that i got smacked.

one time i saw a two-headed calf stuffed and in a plexiglass case

so this summer i find this key in the parking lot of a gas station in britt, iowa (few know of the wonders of this magical place). at first i was elated that perhaps i've stumbled upon the key to the city (what good timing! during hobo days!), after recovering from said elation i conclude that it's just someone's lost key. after further investigation i find that the word 'faultless' is written on one side. my first reaction is "right...faultless. like this key can claim no fault....there's fault in everything" and i put the key in my pocket for further ponderance at a later date...of course crushing any hope of the frustrated owner who will in my mind constantly search northwest iowa for his lost key. i really am cynical enough to believe that there's fault in everything. even creation messes itself up every now and then. so i go on believing that i'm right in thinking that the key is just full of itself. but then there's jesus. he had no fault. that's crazy! then there's us; we get to say that we're blameless. jesus was faultless but blameful and made us faultful idiots completely free of blame. that's seriously ridiculous...seriously, we should be ridiculed for this. so this key hangs on my keychain to be a constant ridicule of my sinful nature and clean slate.

just in case you were wondering what that extra key was there for.

preach it sista

"i'm not like less of a person...because i blog."

-jess laug 12/6/04 1:51pm

i <3 j. lau 

all she ever does... 

we are so cute 

who is this man? 

if we call the whole thing off then we must part

so the closer this whole africa thing gets, the further from excited i am about it. it's not even about everyone else saying i should stay. i'm starting to tell myself to stay. it's almost christmas and i've been buying shoes and books. they don't have pink and black chuck taylors on sale in djibouti and definitely not even the hope of the almost ugly pair of borns in my size. i'm sure you can still look for cheap books on amazon.com but the delivery charge would be absurd i'm sure. it's so beyond consumerism. it's even beyond comfort. it really is comfort though. i'm so comfortable right now. frank, louis, ella and i decided that america really isn't all that bad after all. problem being the lots and lots of people who don't know how great jesus is. am i really self-righteous enough to think that i have any right to go tell them. i feel like it's a responsibility. i was thinking today about psalm 68 (first read psalm 67) about how the mountains are jealous that they're not where God dwells. then he decided to dwell in man, i bet those mountains are way jealous of us! how can you look at mountains and creation and rain and stars and then realize that not only are we the beloved of all creation, not only does he see us as so much more beautiful than those things, but then he decides that he wants to dwell in us...and just be okay with that. it makes me so uncomfortable. squirmy even. like when matty gets close and i whine or freak out. he said i should stop doing that, or people won't get close anymore. i just can't help it. there has to be some reaction. i know that whining isn't the right one but at least it's not just complacency. i don't want to just be okay with something so so great. but i'm afraid that since my gut reaction is "go" then maybe that's the wrong thing. my gut reaction is almost always wrong. i'm looking everywhere to find excuses to stay. a brief side hug happened today that almost made me throw in the towel and put in an application at baby gap. bottom line, as of 12:15 am on december 3, the next three years of my life are spoken for. as much as i would h.e.a.r.t. for there to be a boy in the equation, waiting romantically for my return, when we will make babies and disciples of all nations, i'll just add it to the "give up" list and jesus and i will go alone.